Why?! (Link to Chapter Four)

A prayer to a layer of thought that cannot be bought.  The dot of the parietal lobe also covers the globe with how the strobe light works.  Though Robert lurks in the thoughtsteam, the dream of QBlue is what I could not tell you Justin…. The video format cannot convey what I wanted to say, which is how it started, and how the world keeps me from drawing into the play.

Justin had asked about where Natalie started, and how much it really does matter to me.  Robyn helped with a conversation last night that leads to this rite to write.  The love was held, yet the idea I also have is that chasing Nat would leave me felled.  I did think she was my soulmate, and though the documents I use and write show that I wanted to create a meeting, the fact is that seating myself down at the keys is also the way that I can tell you since the videos would freeze the fact that I cannot (and will not) retract the truth of how she froze me in my youth.

There is a video I saw that shows how I gave my heart to her decades ago, and still don’t know.  I cannot (and will not) chase her.  The actual PLU8R is there, I just note that people (like mon pere) also tell me that I should never take myself to making the objective to find her.  I close my eyes and go to the fact that some gals aim to get into my life, though the barriers and walls I have made also keep me safe from emotional hurt, and also are the reasons of why I sometimes am a bit kurt.

I cannot share the video as it’s Facebook only…

Justin (breaking rhyme mode)… I hope you read this.

Since I could not record the video, I’ll tell you here….

I know too much about myself and the wants of meeting Nat.  The story did start in 1997-1998 when I saw her video on CP Air on a trip to Australia.  Through the earlier years of Natalie-centric life and thought (1998-2002) I had thought that Natalie and I had a strong soul connection.  It was the case that I intuited and heard her thoughts often.  This connection included shoulswims.  Shoulswims are where it feels like parts of two peoples spirits and souls are intertwined.  When I would smile thinking of Natalie, I would feel what seemed like her smile on my face smiling because she was happy that I was thinking about her.  I then would have another moment of joy and gladness and smile because I felt her smiling because I had thought of her.  It was the case that I thought her and I were strongly intertwined as being soulfully connected.

For the past few years I have talked a lot about her (Natalie) and also wrote a book called Finding Natalie that was meant as a book that was written for a one person audience.  Her.

The first chapter of the book was written from Natalie’s perspective about her and I.  The second chapter was written from a half dozen other people’s perspective about me to her.  The idea of the book when started in 2013 was to write the entire book to Nat and relay her a copy so that it would incline her to make the effort to meet me.

The challenge of this is that there has been far too much that has been told and thought and known.  This is not something that I can yet accurately write about in a linear form.  When anyone writes, it generally is a one way sequence of words.  The issue with the whole TL (I’ll just use that to refer to Nat in this post (True Lovestone)) situation is that it’s not even just layers… It’s been decades of many threads and ideas and forms and thoughts that are woven together and interlaced and tainted by the contialitic pressures and ideas and deceit of many many more than a few.

My mind is not totally able to focus on describing the situation in a video, or even typing.  The fact that other people latch onto and invade my mind and thoughts does make it extremely difficult to articulate the truth.  It’s multiple people all jostling for awareness and attention when I kind of wish everyone would get the hell out of my brain and let me focus on writing.   The Starbucks’ are the places where I can work and write (I can’t so well at home) though they are a telepathic node where multiple human behaviours all blend.

When I try to purge the people from trying to get my attention, when I just want to focus on my own thought, there are far too many invasions of thought from the other humans.

I will learn to clarify and hone.  That is partly why I use rhymes and flowetics, because water can pass around stones and rocks in a stream instead of people trying to paint or stain the waters of my own soul and being and mind.

Justin… It’s not easy to be me.  (Not easy to be you either, though I am trying to answer your questions).

In the early years of Natalie awareness, it was the fact that I loved her soul and how we interacted.  Through many holidays with parents in Edmonton or Australia, there have been many pulls and delusions that I’ve had.  Almost every Christmas thoughts of Natalie have haunted me.  I use the term haunted because I want to be free of Natalie because there is no chance of meeting her.  I don’t want to hold myself away from a real gal and have no gal because I’m trapped with dream girl.  The notion some have of ‘love is a prison’ because she is shackled in my heart and I want to not be chained to her so that I can actually live my life instead of being held away from life for one I seem to think I will never meet.

I get angry about the whole issue because of the futility.  I wish to finally meet Natalie, have a conversation to know what is true of the theoretical connection.  More than a decade of not knowing what is true has been exhausting.  Many years ago I thought I needed to be with Natalie to complete my life.  I don’t.  I do though WANT to meet to resolve the past 15+ years.  It’s frankly too much sometimes with the facts of being told that my beliefs are delusion when the multiple connections I’ve thought have been true.  15 years has been far too long.

There are many options, though my choice is stemmed from what I’ve been told to do, and also what I want to do.  I can’t explain the whys to why she’s been such a focus, though I can share what I plan on doing about it.

I will live…. I will love… I will thrive.

My plan/intent is (since if Nat does know who I am, has made no effort (that I’m aware of) to meet me) to carry on with my life.  It is not emotionally, mentally, or socially healthy for me to think of her, or set meeting her as my mission.  I set it free.  I have thrown the dream aside so many times, though it’s the best thing I can do for myself.  I cannot make her life my mission.  I cannot keep myself away from living my life for her life as I don’t believe that she would ever combine the two to form our life.

So yeah… I can’t tell you exactly the why… Obsession, delusion, spiritual alignment, divine inspiration, hellish fortitude, and the fact that to have my own mind try to deceive me multiple times to believe that she wants to meet me is too much.

I will live… I will love… I will thrive.

I don’t want to be chained to a dream that may never unfurl and regret living life for one specific person that I will never meet.

If you told me that I was to meet Natalie tomorrow, I would be glad…. Like “Cool…. I get to find out what the truth is.”  The layer with that though is that I’m so exceptionally exhausted and spent mentally and emotionally that I’m just too tired to even think or invest any more want into one woman who has strewn me so far out of life that I don’t even know what to do about it.

Why would I ever waste my time for one who doesn’t know me and probably never will.

 

 

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