This line describes me and the way I have been living… especially the ‘puff’ part.
Each day I wake up… far too late. I have no roommate or girlfriend that I’m living with, so little to no room for communication in the morning. When I’m at home, I’m almost afraid to use the phone to make a call. I am afraid that I’m a bother or nuisance to some people. This idea, stemmed from a lack of worth, or projected negative self image has been a very limiting factor with me.
The compounded layer is a ‘what does it matter anyway?’ type of viewpoint I have with myself and what I do. I have spoken and written PLU8R so often, yet have not shown it in my actions. If I value and believe in love so strongly, then why am I not showing it?
I was told by a person (and confirmed by another) that I should not ask the question “Are you alright?”, even if the question comes from a point of care. I was told asking the question implies that there IS something wrong, and that I should not focus on it. This layers into how another friend had told me (and I agree) that I’m sometimes too problem centered, and am not light enough for some people.
I have been pushing my works (music, letters, rhymes (and when in the card business, sales)) at people, and I have occasionally pulled the pity party question or attitude of “What does it matter anyhow? No one plays the music.” I also am one, who when I get negative or sad or futzed up, to be one to spin back to positives, and although rarely knowing how, to spin in some solutions too. This is partly why I ask the question of “Are you alright?”, because if someone isn’t, then I want to help. I also was told that I should not care for as many people as possible, and that kind of pisses me off.
In the uncommon times, and for some of the rare people, caring is all I’ve got. I also note that I could twist in some more of my own neurosis of how I have trust issues with people (though that’s stems from decades of stuff that I won’t dredge up right now). I don’t have a family or pet or girlfriend to invest my life into. I also note that sometimes my own inadequacies and fears (rational and not) have fused with the poor me notions in my being that seem to not even have myself allow myself to care and love (some) people, because I feel like my past decades or so have been for fuck all.
I don’t feel like I have earned my own portion of PLU8R, even if it’s sitting right next me. I have muddled myself up, and have isolated from some friends and contacts for (I’ll choose three) three reasons…. 1) I feel that I’m an annoyance and don’t want to be additionally annoying, 2) I find my own ulterior motives in some contacts (because I want to push my written or recorded works), and forget the third… What I want and need to do is to cherish and fortify my heart, spirit, intent, and effort into the people that actually DO care!
My paranoias and my delusions, my notions of plans and plots, my flacid efforts of being a friend, my own control dramas, my pity parties and pulls for promotion or attention ARE limiting me, and I seem to think that with some of my awful intents and reasons for action are also viewed negatively by myself. I’ve been seeking inclusion with some groups and people that are very much different than me, and with the layer of isolation of not having transportation to fulfill a useful need for some friends, I’ve found I have pushed away almost everyone.
I have choices that I need to form and make. I need to choose what I shall do, I need to learn as to who I should be working with, and I also need to keep in communication with people, and heed more intuitively who I should leave alone and not reach out to.
The intents that I set in yesterday’s post will help with some of this. Today, I did get the five Italian lessons completed. I did clean up at home for an hour. I played a bit of Italian radio, and I also made the point of writing on this blog.
This world is muddled. I also refer not just to ‘this world’ as Earth, because the different areas, cities, and countries are all very different. I recall a statement I made about the human portion of this planet. “Seven billion subjective realities, in one objective playground.”
The diversity of Earth is extremely vast. Even in the town where I live, there are so so many different lives and worldviews and frames of reference. Perchance this will guide me to call my awareness and parameters just as ‘my life’. It makes more sense that way, though I also itch about how self-focused that term is. It does help make more sense though… I think I found a healthy term; To refer to my life as my life, and to know there is a multitude of different lives.
It’s strange how basic concepts of written and spoken word are still not known by me. I am still learning basic communication, and though I am so wordy and prolific with the amount of writing and recording I have done, I still have so much more to form.
So… As these post continue and form, more structure will be found. I will learn to become more clarified, concise, and precise, yet I also will blend in some of my own ideas with the splice. Although I may not have much contact with friends in my life (and also don’t want to use Facebook as obsessively as I have in the past) I also must earn the right to be people’s friend, and to be granted, by myself and them, the ability to learn and share and develop care and concern.
I may be extremely neurotic, and not fully knowing how to care as a true friend, though I also note that sometimes I have cared so so much, just maybe for people that don’t want me to care (while leaving those who wish I would, puddled on the shoreline because I neglect them, and haven’t reached out often enough, or for the right reasons).
Play… live the day
Puff… so so often…
Thanks y’all…. Keep your prerogatives and missions clear in your own being too.