Well, I Feel Pretty Useless

Let me take us into my pity party and doubt…

Today a talk with a great friend.  The advice and ideas spill into future action.  The fact that (maybe) I should take none.  This is the 12th daily post in a row, and only the 2nd thing I’ve gotten done on my daily grind list for today.

I have complained before that I see little result to my efforts.  This carries on and through.  Making this post is pretty well a signal and sign that I stretch out and grip at, though it feels like there’s no straw to grasp.

The advice tonight is that I should do my creative stuff for myself.  The idea shared is that the push promotions I’ve made are searching for validation, and it is in a way.  The work and effort to generate interest in my works, so that people can view them.

I’ve pushed and prodded and have mind fucked myself into thinking that I can (eventually) earn my life.  I see not how I can, and with the layer of decades of effort and work, I still have shown shit all for results.  The ideas from some to ‘keep at it’ or ‘fake it ’till you make it’ or ‘keep going, you’ll get there’ I have subscribed to, and I don’t know why.

Rob!!!  Why do you choose to do things that just stress yourself out further?!!?  Why do you try to enlist support from people who don’t show reciprocation?!!?  Why do you keep ploughing the fields with seeds that don’t grow (or seeds that no one wants!?)

If I am to write and record for myself, and others, and have been told to quit focusing on seeking validation, then what am I meant to do?  I WANT to have people to write for!  That’s what I like!  I want to be able to have someone to consume what I make.  I am not searching for praise, and I note that the want of $ from my own efforts (not sminking from others) IS what I want!!  Take it with a grain of salt.  Maybe the friend is casting their frame and reference upon me with how THEY would (or do) act.

I am a basic fool.  I WANT to earn my life.  I need a plan as to how to do so.  I also know that my life is NOT an isolated section of events, and even if the validation that I’m searching for is the mere purchase of some of what I make, I do have the NEED to EARN my life.

Today’s fucked up.  I missed out on getting my daily things done.  If I make the choice to quit pushing and striving towards accomplishing things, then what am I to do?!?!  My want of earning my life does seem like a myth or fantasy.  I also don’t have a full clue of how else to do it!  I can’t hold down a rational 40hr/week job.  I know this.  I turn into a despicable sack of shit and vulgarity and hate when I do so.  I also can’t (and don’t want to) rely on government or family to support me.  The reason I make (some) of my art or writing is from a NEED.  I NEED to earn my life.

I do and don’t care about what people think.  I like to hear people’s opinions and advice and recommendations, though I also will (through processing) check how they layer over me and my own self.  If I am to make things JUST for myself, then why!??!!?   This world is many many people… We are not just autonomous units that should create for ourselves… I think that we need to understand that, yes, I do make a shitload of stuff, though I need to make things for others too.  Making things or writing for others IS a value to me.  I don’t want to freeload!   I will keep writing and working on projects, and if I’ve been told to do it for myself and not others, I still need to find MY path of earning my life.

I tend to be getting negative about this.  It’s true that I should make my work for and from my own wants, though my want is to EARN my life.  I’m going in circles with this.  I cannot just wallow through life expecting the best to happen without putting in effort (or thinking about how what I make can affect ONLY me).  I need and want to make thing for other people because I want to support myself and add to the world, not just be stuck in my own rut of shit and depravity and filth.

I DO want to make things for other people.  If I’ve been told to be selfish for my own self (and I’m getting a bit cursive) FUCK OFF AND LET ME CREATE!!!

I don’t like this post… It’s frustrated me that when I do what I want to do, regardless of the reason, I’m told not to do it because someone else paints their belief as to WHY I’m doing it.  I write for people because I like to do so, that I want to, and even if the intent of helping another is not the result, I still love and like the process of doing so.  I do (and don’t) care what others think of me.  I’m not searching for fame or fortune or praise… I’m searching to find a path where I can earn and keep and develop a life that I love!

I do like my life.  I also know that my own values (even if someone thinks them a pile of shit) also do include caring and working for other people and friends.

I’m not a conventional person.  I also think I’m a bit uppity and arrogant to think that I could have a positive effect on people.  I also note some people have told me I have helped them or had a positive effect.  That’s not validation, that’s me knowing I have helped someone (which is linked to my self-worth).  I’m not seeking approval or praise.  I’m trying to make a difference in life that will benefit many more than a few.

I also add that there are few things that really piss me off about some people and what they have said to me, though I also nurse and draw some positive things and ideas, even from those that come from a point of care AND those that are trolling.

The advice from the friend today IS from a caring, kind, and helpful friend.  It also doesn’t minimize the fact that I’m a bit pissed off at myself for not finding my path yet.  My path IS to help work and create and seed for other people, not just myself.  I will take some of what was said in the advice to not be so hard on myself or achievement focused, and to do more of what I want to do, though I know I’m far too into the idea that creating for other people, and not just myself, is one of the best things that I can do for myself for the long term.

I will think more of how I can help myself, though I will NOT neglect the fact that I want to do far more for many more than a few.  If I’m meant to be more selfish and create just for myself, then I also shall remind us that my value is life, and not just me.


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