I’m Not Sure That I Know…

The question from the previous post (four days ago) was ‘Who is This For?’
I still don’t know… And also kind of do…

The past five days have been draining… I have put a short book up online called Finding Natalie.  Soooo many thoughts around this book… I write this post for myself (and my Dad (and my cousin Alex) who read these).

The journey of this book is substantial.  The basic premise, I get it.  I fell in (what I thought was) love with a famous person more than a decade ago.  I set my heart towards her.  I was told not to think about her… I was told that I needed to be rational… I know, I am a fool.

The daily grind tasks I set for myself August 2nd have been drastically neglected through this past week (from Monday when I got the editing copy of the book back).  This dream HAS been a severe part of me, though I also note (also with the help of the gal Chapter 7 was written to/for) that I DON’T know who the real Imbruglia is, and never will.  The layer of the ‘dream girl’ part is that I have had dozens of dreams about Natalie (and yes some of the Imbruglia one) and the story of the ‘idea’ of Natalie (even if not always the famous one) is to me still a very thing of my life.

I know that I cannot, and also must not chase the dream of meeting Natalie as it’s shredded up my own inner being, and has tainted me in so many dire ways.  Even if there is an energy or spirit that I’ve encountered or labeled ‘Natalie’ in my dreams, that’s dream world… we’re on Earth.

My father/Dad knows that I have NOT been rational, and I know that it IS NOT rational.  I also know it’s been way more than a decade of this fucked up twisted part of my being.  I know that the Natalie of my mind, and the famous one are clearly not the same person.

I did release the book…  I will follow through with sharing it… Even if not to seed the meeting of the Secret Stash reference, the story may be a benefit to others.  I don’t know how yet, fully, though one person (who had an early version of the book) had told me it inspired them to learn music.  I also DID want to cultivate the dream so that I could inspire others to not give up on their dreams and the wants and yearning of their souls and hearts.

I’m still muddled in the process.  This is NOT going to be an easy path or process to remove the stain in my being, and I also note that there were (some) good things and ideas that I know about the dream still.  The person that I would need to become to meet Natalie.  The fact of striving to improve and progress to who I would need to be was guiding me with some positive actions and ideas.  The process of setting goals and tasks to improve myself… When I went to Italy, I barely could speak or understand the language.  I still can’t fully, though because Natalie is Italian, I also had set the daily goal of learning the language since it was part of what my heart would need to bring more to her.

I’ve wanted to seed success with my music, and also note I wanted to use the Natalie story for a music project I had started.  The dream of Natalie held HUGE value for me for what I would need to do, who I would need to be, and what I could potentially achieve by chasing that dream.

I need to release.

It’s not easy to think that 18 years of my soul and heart and being are needing to be discarded.  I then push forward to my mind the things that have been part of those years that I value.  I have learned to hone (partially) my ability to write and rhyme (and record).  I have gained (even if not Natalie based) a positive and dear relationship with my Father.  I have kept alive through the years.  I have found myself in my own home, and I also really want to note to myself that the skills and connections and networks of my life also have formed.

Elysia has said she thought I was ‘using’ the Natalie dream.  I had.  It gave me hope (and yes, delusion) about my future.  It was a lovestone that I could fixate on (when I had no real one of my own).  The dream also pulled me through time into a place where I know I am NOT glad with how my life is now.  The dream also gave me a hope, that maybe I meant something more.

I loved Natalie.  Even if the idea started from the real life famous one, and even if I knew I never can meet that real one, the dream girl in my heart, and soul, and being, has still been chained to me.

I’m fucking exhausted!!!  I fear that so many years have been squandered on an imaginary girl that still shreds at my being that I am like a ruined container.

Death and life.  I had thought chasing Natalie would lead me to death.  Maybe that’s where Dad’s concerns stemmed from.  He also thinks I shouldn’t share my story with ‘the world’.  I’m not sure that I should either.

I now take the last eight minutes of this session to puddle and reassess.

I am at home.  This is good.  I have put the book up online… Intents shifting as to why.  My Dad is overseas… I don’t know when I see him again.  My life needs to recover… I will make the efforts to do so.  My mother is dear… I know she too loves me (and why she too has been concerned about the damage has been done to me).  I am optimistic and hopeful… I have enough gumption to know I can (and will) rebuild and reset.  I DO have book online now… I DO still have my music (and the ability to write new things)… I also know (because I told myself I will) that I also will message the remainder of my friends list a link to the book.

Even if the goal of the book is NOT to meet Ms Imbruglia (for I cannot fathom the how’s or why’s (and also wish NOT to stalk her (even in thought or heart))) I too will share the story.  In the blurb for the story, it is clear to me though…. “Through time, a depraved and lost soul writes to Natalie… not knowing if she ever will read. Yet, still, the heart is shared.”

Even if not to chase the dream, it had been a part of my heart… I can probably say much more about what the dream was, though not for now, or through this medium.  For now, I’ll set this post up and out, and release myself back to searching for tomorrow, even if not to be one Finding Natalie.

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