Finding Natalie – Chapter Five: From the Soul to the Spirit

Sharing bit by bit that that has been written.  Sitting on the cornerstone of things not yet known, yet the tone of choice is aided by the voice.

For the previous sections of the book Finding Natalie, here are the links:

Introduction, Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four.

And the link to purchase the printed book –> Finding Natalie (Forever Found)

CHAPTER FIVE – From the Soul to the Spirit

From the soul to the spirit.  The future, they hear it well on both sides of the shell.  One full well, and the other to help save us from heaven and hell.

August 3rd, 2013.

I had forgotten your soul.  I had heard your voice.  I thought you knew who I was, even though we had not yet met.  I have made terrible choices in life.  I too know I tend to my life, even if I accidentally rip up some good seed when I weed the soil.  I also think of how Judy had said I didn’t torch the fields as I thought I had, and note that a forest will grow back, even if it was burned up.  Seeds are resilient, and may last many years before they have found the correct pot in which to grow.

Tonight I left my job at Bozzini’s.  Love, angst, a lack of self-control, and the understanding that I do not yet know my role.  I am not wanting to cast myself the spade.  I also wade in the drink of how my tantrums are in the link.  You hate the anger with a passion.  My passion not known to be that that hones in on the issues and find the tears shed without tissues.  The mascara drips slow down the cheek, even if we do get the chance to speak.  I expect you may know who I am, though note there’s no way you can understand the sorrow I felt.  It was not woe, though, as that is further into the future, though, yes, I have cried many tears.

I thought I loved you.

I thought we were destined to be together.

I thought I used to feel your smiles (and you rolling your eyes at me).

I’ve dreamt of you many times in the past, though not so much recently.  I have not tended the dream of meeting you and thought “It’s a marriage made in heaven”-you.

I note I’m worthy (and capable) of love now, though am surprised when it happens.  There were many years when I had no love, just the desire to get what I want.  I note now too that I am starting to be able to love people, and let them know.

For many years I had disliked the things that some people do.  I also know I AM capable of hate, and want not to feel that.  I will write more from other people’s perspective later in this book, though this chapter is from me (Rob) to you (Natalie).  I do love, and you cannot be the only one that I do.

When I was in the UBC hospital, there was a heart on the smoke room wall that said (and you may know (I don’t know if I’ve written this yet)) ‘Love just me, and Enguleena too’.  I believed that it was written by you, and that Enguleena was the name of our future daughter.  I revoked love from everyone else, and accept that I’m breaking that.

I love (poorly) my parents.  I have learned to like (some things) of myself.  I too have found that (for some people) I can say “I love you” and mean it.  I made a terrible choice last night to quit my job.  It will mean that I may have messed up all of my life, though I am glad to be here at home.  I will need to build my future.  I will need A LOT of support from others.  I too note I’m ready (and willing) to till fields of good seed, even if they may not be harvested.

I am a child.

I am a soul.

I do have love.

I do know I am poor.

Breathe in… breathe out…

I twice took a course called ‘Phase One’ at PD Seminars twice.  There was a day called ‘Shadow day’ where we were taken on a meditation towards our deepest fears.  The first time I took the course, I clearly met that situation.  I am only now understanding (mostly) the second course’s meaning.

In the first course, the situation I found myself within my mind was being killed in a forest by three people.  That nearly happened.  I got jacked three times by the same three people at two different locations.  Two of the three wanted to take me to the ravine and kill me, while one of them I had known from High School.  I mentioned the name of Richard Minter to one of them, and though I refer to the name Richard in the recording Belief of the Leaf as the name that saved me, it was Walter who actually saved me and let me live by not giving the order to kill me.

Thank you, Walter!!

The second time I was in Phase One, I found myself thinking of you and finding brambles preventing me from getting to you.  That there is (and was) many many barriers that I will need to (and have) passed and crossed to reach the point of meeting you.  I have found I shall break through the barrier of meeting you, even if I have (right now) no idea or faith as to how.

There is a future for me.

There too is a future for you.

I don’t know how I will support myself (yet) though note that I too will keep on dreaming as Norma’s birthday card said to do.  I then want to let you know…  I want to meet you.   I don’t know how (and when editing this chapter too don’t know totally why you’d meet me).

We may (or may not) be meant to meet, though I note that it’s not just all up to you.  I also note that (selfishly) this book is all about me.  It’s to let you know who I am, where I come from, and what I have been through.  If you ever read this book, you too have given me a great gift.  I thank you no matter if it’s read or not, and note that even if it isn’t, this is one way of me at least knowing that you are a love.  Even if there are many many that I do and will love, the fact is you’re the one who’s had the most severe impact.

When I left work tonight, I thought I would come home and write to you my plan for the next few months.  That soooo didn’t happen.  Instead now I find myself writing to you with no particular objective or plan to let these words reach your eyes.  I’m just glad that I know who I’m writing to and that I can have this.  Thank you very very much for being part of my life, even if we’ve never met.  Does this then make you my muse?

Nope.

“It takes two to write, and one to read.”

Please treasure your life.  Please tend the garden of your own life too (although I shouldn’t tell you that, for you already know how to thrive).

CHAPTER 5.5 – From the Spirt to the Shoul (2013)

I also then don’t want to creep you out.  That too is a major issue.  If you have no idea who I am and have never heard my heart or my voice, then I’m just another creepy fan that seems to think that they know you.

I don’t doubt that I would like you, though maybe… nope… I still want to meet you.  I also know that the only way I will meet you is to connect with you directly through the medium of recording or book or text and have you find me.  I will not go find you.  I cannot go to where you are and slink up to interact.  This journey is solely upon you learning about me and finding if I’m worthy for even a five-minute chat.  The book’s title is ‘Finding Natalie’, though I must wait until you find me, and accept that you probably won’t.  I am okay with that.  At least I got to let you know.

I took 1,058 words I wrote after the previous paragraph and shifted them to (possibly) be used later in the book.  What I started earlier in this chapter I shall sitch through now.  The main point I want to make of life (mine or anyone’s?) is to do what we like to do and to also find a way to support ourselves and what we do.

Today (Sept 22, 2013) I found that my dreams are continuing to change.  There is the fact that I like writing, and too the fact that it can’t really support myself financially.

What I’m trying to do is figure out what I would like to do with and for the rest of my life and know (I think) that writing is a major part of that.  I also want to clarify how I will support myself (and my current/future family (Mom/Dad and my own kids/wife if we ever form)).

Noted too from The Contialis that I too want to help support friends.

There are some people you couldn’t pay me to help, and then too that there are some people I can (and will) help even at my own cost.  At the time I was writing this, the only main answer I need to find is what I will do to finance myself and those I want in my life.

The Glass House is still a want, and I too am wondering how and who and when and all that other bullshit too.  I am solo right now, and, no, I don’t know how I’ll be able to afford to take care of Mom and Dad when they get older.  I also don’t have a clue who I should be writing to anymore.  It’s kind of funny/harsh how the Chilliwack part of the contialis seems to ream out of my mind and into my ears with their judgments and opinions.  I too note I’ve been way out of line with some people.  Yesterday I made some accusations about Jenn Joyce as I seemed to think she didn’t care.  I don’t know or understand how/why people would care, though too don’t want to have a pity party.  (If we do have one, can we drink wine?!!?)

Then a conversation from some bitches as he switches the stance and not the blade as made to fit no particular category of the story.  To chip away at the quarry with a trip to Lori and find that when people are pillaging the mind and being unkind.  A few choice words lined can get them out of the way so we may play with people who understand the depths of what I pray.  While I could write about the nights I cried, I too correlate that I’m now at heaven’s gate when I got the people away.  The laughter of some people seems to not betray themselves for the thoughts they want me to have, even though the flow is heard, the words that I had to use, may now let us live without ruse.  I don’t like it when people fuse onto my mind when they intend to till seeds for me to be unkind.

And now that I can think and write without the sprouts torn from the soil, it’s true you mentioned that the blood does boil.  Now on the plough…. Instead of writing about what I search for in a gal, I’ll mention some gals and what I like about them.

I like Felicia in that she is positive, and also that she loves life and other animals.  I like some of the gals at Starbucks because they smile and have fun.  I like Jenn Steadman because she invites herself over and is in the loop with the ‘Don’t fuck Jenn’ joke.  I like Jenn Miller because she will let me talk with her and that she let me read two to three chapters of this book at Clouda’s before it closed.  I love Mom because although she nudges me along with the job search, she also wants me to thrive.  I too think she knows that although I’ve not put full effort into finding work, she too wants me to thrive and knows I’m not like the normal parts of the human population.  I like Sarah because she has helped support me (like me wanting to support some people).  I also like Julianna Haave because of her devotion to her kids.

I also wonder of writing about guys that I admire that I would like to have abilities similar to theirs to be a better friend and person.  Kyle C is a main one as he knows a lot about things outside of himself and is not timid in having an opinion.  He also talks a lot about life and lets me talk a lot about myself and my process.  I like how Kevin is working his way through life and earning his stay on Earth while I’ve been using credit and being irresponsible.  Kevin’s work started at 5 am five days a week.  He also has a great deal of courtesy and integrity.  I like Kyle Pede’s gumption and work ethic in that he’s sacrificed a lot for his gal and his kid(s) and is helping provide them a great life.  He also has given me good advice at the right times and too used to talk with me a lot on the phone.

I as a person also have some things that I do that I like about myself.  I also don’t want to boast about my positives, though note that I like that I do help some people.  I try to control my thoughts and be like the willow to let people say and do what they want without trying to sway them.  Jenn Steadman has come up with lots of ideas that I don’t like, and it too is noted that we’ve reached the point that if she has an idea I don’t like, I just say “I think that’s a bad idea” and don’t try to convince her what to do.  It’s not my place here on Earth to tell people what they should do, and I too note sometimes I like to give advice and help.  The downside is that I, like others, sometimes don’t take the advice given, even when I know it’s advice I should follow (spend less, quit smoking).

I also like that I care for some people and that I can do and write things for people.  I also like that I am creative and have hope and irrational faith that I’ll be okay.  I am resilient and also have lived a lot of life and although I don’t like some of the things that people do or say, I tend to not so often argue the points.

Today I was at the Abby Flea Market and closed the dream of The Mana Pool.  Through music and crads it seems (even from me a bit with the cards) I’m trying to find a way of supporting myself without having to have a job.  Running a card shop is NOT an option for me.  When my dreams stop and crash, I just seem to pick myself up and carry on with another.  I’m tired of dreaming, I want a plan.  When I form a plan…

It’s also difficult with the contialis always on my brain and watching my sitch.  It seems I can’t make choices without a shitload of other people knowing and laughing and judging.  I could go off topic and shit on religion, though that’s because I don’t think that some people are following proper action.  Told don’t judge, then criticize every decision another makes.  Told to think for ourselves, then drain the mind of another.  When others are latched onto my brain tilling their own seeds for their own security and defense of their own neurotic situations, it’s difficult to not want to yell at them for fucking with my mind.  So I go smoke….  Though what benefit is there from running away from situations and people that will not control themselves or respect others because of whatever reason.  Mom’s right, there are idiots everywhere and I have a very low idiot tolerance.

Acropuffs was my nickname in Vancouver, though let’s go further back to the beginning of this story.

The first point of meeting you and your music was in December 1997.  I was on a flight to Australia to visit my Dad and stepmother.  When I was on CP Air for that flight, I found on the monitor my first sight of your video for Torn.  You were amazing and I remember seeing you get kissed at the end of the video and it was quite heartbreaking.  I don’t have a memory of the actual syntactic thoughts I had, though you’re exceptional!  I seem to think that it was love at first sight, even though I don’t know if I had seen you on Neighbors.  My heart seems to think that I recall you from playing Beth, though that memory was zapped from me.

I also have a memory of my Dad driving me in a green convertible when we were in Sydney and hearing Torn again.  Many many years later I still hear that song creep into my awareness, like today at Walmart.  I was outside having a ciggie and had thought of you.  When I got back in the store, I heard the end of the song.  It’s one that morphed a lot through hearing it through the years.  Sometimes the lyrics sound just a bit different, though you too don’t know how much I had cried, though since you’ve never yet met me, you know that I haven’t shown you how to cry, something I barely ever do anymore.

Summer 1998 (North America) found my Mom and I meeting up with Katie and Lori Scozzafava when I finally found your CD.  I can see the shop in mind.  I also see the picture of you on the front cover.  Again (with Louis CK reference) if chicken wings are amazing, then there is no adequate word to describe how and what I thought for you then.  I love you.  I miss you.  I also note you’re not (when written) ever one that was ‘wishing I was there’.

During that summer I was in a clinical depression.  I felt a lot of sadness and also cried a lot that summer (until when I don’t know).  From the line in ‘Left of the Middle’ “I’m pushing zero… where is my hero” I used to pray that you were pressing the zero on the phone to call me.  I would mentally call out my number hoping and praying with my being for you to call me and would cry when I didn’t receive your phone call.  I was obsessed with you.  I played Left of the Middle full through every night for about three months.  I also remember singing the entire album into the reflection in the computer monitor while a candle lit my face in the dark room.  I saw what I thought was your reflection in the screen a lot during that play of your album.  It was like your soul was calling out to me through the screen to me.  A lot of lyrical morphs were in that playing.  I sometimes hear different lyrics (even now a bit (like ‘the pigeons and the crumbs’ or ‘pigeons and the crows’)).  I also note that the lyrics I hear from your album are not the same as in the liner notes, though that too delves into nodal music theory (a theory that different people will hear different lyrics from the exact same recording (again also guided by WHO is hearing/playing/listening to the music)).

I made it through the summer (when I was living at SFU at Louis Riel house (a place I would like to take you to to see the lights of Vancouver.)).  I also recall The Lovestone City and Park that were near SFU’s townhouses.  At the bottom of the townhouses, there was a path (torn away many years later) where I found the Metamorphic Heart.  The Metamorphic Heart was a stone that I found where the City and Park were.

The Metamorphic Heart was found in a stone circle that someone had cast.  I should not have broken the circle (and it makes sense about how I broke the Kyeta crew circle too) though the stone became a major part of my spiritual wanderings.  The stone was given to my Mom many years later, and I’m uncertain if she even has it still.  From what I’m aware, it has been lost to the sands of time.

I had built the Lovestone City and Park a year before the summer of your album, and the Metamorphic Heart (I think) did fully represent Thea before I had known you.  I also don’t know if it was Thea who cast the stone circle originally, though she was Wiccan and it may well have been hers.  At the same place where I had broken the circle, I built a stone model of BC (with a hidden pool table) and spent much time there.  That was the Lovestone City.  That was where I wrote a lot of poetry and also lyrics.  I too had a spot a meter or two up the path that was my own bleakly cared for the garden that I called the Lovestone Park.  The path led from SFU to Burnaby Mountain Park and was intermittently used by others as I sat and played at the City and Park.

I guess (writing from the previous paragraph quite a few weeks later) that part of what I would like to acknowledge is partly that my being has traveled through much time and experience.  Although in theory, I am the same person from when I was born until now, I’m not fully certain that I can believe that.  If time is completely linear, though, it is then said to be true that we are ALL on the same timeline.  We each have traveled through space and time and experience, yet too all (theoretically) have existed along the exact same dimension of time.  Each year that passes is directly linear.  From the point of birth until now, and ever further into the future, it’s said to be the same timeline and sequence of moments.  It too is crazy to think that we’ve all been on this planet for so so long, even if that awareness is only from thinking it’s seemed like eons since I lived as a 5-year-old child.

I’m also not sure what my intent is now for this section.  I will carry on to the next.

 

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