An exert of chapter six from the book Finding Natalie. There are about 50x copies of the book out in the world now. Not too many, though a start. I’d love to sell more copies of the book. If you’re interested, here’s the link to buy a copy!
CHAPTER SIX – And What Were You Doing Robert?!
Okay, so this chapter is intended on describing how I’ve been living through the past few months (now June 2014). I’ve not accomplished a lot. I had run Koyich Digital as a company for January through May 2014. The intent with the company was to use Magic cards I had invested in as a product to sell to support myself (and the company) until the music set off. The case of the matter though is that the company caused far too many issues (communally), there was too an issue of refueling inventory, and that the Magic card sales were not profitable enough to keep selling them. The music too hasn’t yet sold a single album this year and I note that if the music does go off, I’ll just claim the money as personal funds. I don’t need a company to track the music, though did get quite invested in tracking inventory and expenses with the Magic. I liked running the company for the brief time it was legally bound, and note the accounting part still needs to be completed to track the dissolution of the company (officially May 13th, 2014).
My actual day to day activities haven’t been too varied. I still attend Bastion Games for Magic and communal contacts, I have been partly involved in church, and I too have written some more pages (and this) when sitting at Starbucks.
My sleep is not structured well. Some nights I will stay up all night working on the computer and also give Kevin (mentioned earlier in the book) car rides at 5 am. Sometimes friends visit my place… groups of four to six sometimes, and other times just one friend to interact with through the night. My ideal sleep schedule would be to stay awake until I am tired (no matter what time it is) and sleep until I eventually want to rise. IE stay up as late as I want and rest until fully reset. I also note I need to find a job and that perusing the internet and applying online isn’t enough of an effort in finding work. Ideally, I’d love to earn my money writing on the computer for other people, though I have little audience and almost zero demand for my writing. I’d like to continue writing pages of flowetics for people, though too deem that I have some good ideas for others for building their lives. I’d love to be a life coach, though there is no market that I’m yet aware of to do so.
I also help some people with cards and car rides. Again, I like helping some people, though my only primary issue right now is a lack of income. I would like to earn my money and too want to generate a reliable income that is greater than my expenses. At this point, I’m on $905 PWD (disability) per month with a great deal more than that spent each month. Two weeks ago I got an electronic cigarette which has reduced my smoking from one and a half to two packs of cigarettes per day to less than one. I also like/love coffee a lot and visit Starbucks often. I like working on my computer there and have written many personal pages and more than half of this book there. Sometimes I get agitated by some of the contialitic/shoulic things and people that are there, though I prefer being out of my apartment to write most often.
I also note that (like I intended with the previous chapter) that I want to start typing my dreams, goals, and visions into this chapter. I have been told by others (family, friends, and society) that I need to have a job to support myself. I deem this to be true, though note that the job I wish to have is more diverse, and not the standard hourly position. I would love to form an income through creating and supporting futures and lives of others (and myself). I note that the rhyming is the writing and recording of lyrics, and that even if I have made a lot of material, there isn’t a market for it at this time. I am more of a persistent novelty act at this time, though through the past two months have increased a great deal of more ‘plays’ of tracks on the Bandcamp page. That too is a main thing I gleaned from running Koyich Digital… I had a batch of demo discs printed of which I may distribute.
I too note I mentioned the Glass House. The Glass House is a home I’ve designed in my mind where I want to live in fifteen years. I can clearly see the interior of the home. It is a vision, not a dream. The home will be located in Chilliwack or Australia, though the vision I see of it is in Australia on a similar lot as to the one that my Dad and Step-mum live in. The main area of the home is ‘the pit’ which is a sitting area lowered from the main floor of the home. I too can see my child’s room and it is a room that I would love to have. I also note that there isn’t much outdoor space, though there is an area for a table outside on the right-hand side of the home and a small area at the back of the house (where there is only a minimal amount of lawned area). I have no idea with whom I’ll live with in this home, though note that I have the vision in mind and can now work towards it.
When it comes to who I’ll live with, I then think of my girlfriend situation. I’ve only had three girlfriends in Chilliwack and the ‘Natalie Dream’ was a major issue with each. That too reminds me of how when I started writing this book a long time ago (2013) that I was still focused on the dream. Now (June 2014) I’m not so certain. There are a few gals that I like, though I can’t foresee them in the Glass House. I like Jenn a lot, though also don’t know how she and I could meld considering a few things. Jenn is still very young (twenty-four) and also has her son Matthew. Matthew’s a great kid, though I still would prefer to meet my gal and form a life (and hopefully child) with the starting point of just her and I. I too want to adopt a cat again and note that I know which one I’d like to adopt. Her name is Belle. (Noted, in 2015 Belle was adopted by another).
Ideally, I would like to understand how I can earn an adequate income. The home would cost a lot, and at this point, I still have $155,000 of debt that I owe for my mortgage and other credit sources. I also think of my music and how I almost feel guilt for wanting to generate income from selling albums. I personally have no issue or negative view of myself for doing so, though feel shame when I mention using my music as an income to some people (like one of my cousins).
If albums generate about $5 per album, the math is simple. 30,000 albums to pay off my debt. That too said, I’m not a performing artist, and also am edgy and uncertain about being famous. The pull of wanting to gain exposure and earning an income from album sales with the contradictive ideas of not wanting to use ‘push’ promotion. I believe the music is of quality form, though too note that I’m not certain of the function or relevance of the music to/for others. One upside is that the music is digital/online which allows the globe to access it. I have a bizarre intuition/belief that the music IS good and that it IS worthy of a $5 chip in for an album, just not thinking that thousands of albums are possible (or a good idea).
We also can tell through the course of this book (up to now) that the focus is more me focusing on how and what I want without thinking of you, Natalie. I really really would like to hook up with a real gal and note that I still want to meet you. That is a primary objective, though the main goal is to thrive, and I shall.
I also note that my parents are very rational, practical, supportive, and forgiving parents and that they do NOT support the dream.
I also comprehend my ‘need’ for a basic job to support my life, I too don’t yet know how I can earn myself a job. I shall not work fast food or restaurant jobs again as my mental stability has been jeopardized and dislodged each time I’ve worked those jobs in the past few years. I too note that working at the local call centre isn’t an option (I reapplied, though they will not rehire me) and that I’ve applied to all the primary grocery stores in town already (including Walmart, Home Depot, and Target). I also am apprehensive about working warehousing again due to a tainted remembrance of my previous warehousing experience. I am scared of having to work a job of which I’ll turn to hate, get fired, or have to quit again. It may be that I’m an idealist or foolish, though I tend to think that I will manifest a brilliant life and pay down my debt and earn my home. For now, I live in an apartment I’m extremely glad to live in and enough heart, love, and care, to earn/keep myself afloat and swim back to shore with enough time, effort, and energy.
I AM okay to live where I am for another five to seven years, so that’s an asset too. I won’t need to move from the apartment and also then turn back to my fear of pushing forward with the music and achieving great success. I too note that I really want to adopt Belle and that I want to have a job so that I can afford to adopt her. I think a life of loving a pet and finding a real gal in Chilliwack is in line with my core values and will be a life I am allowed to love.
One primary concern I have is how I will find my gal. For more than a decade I’d been fixated on ‘finding Natalie’ and note that it’s almost like not wanting to give up the dream as deeming the decade or more of pining for her a waste if I don’t get to meet her. I also have turned my hopes and dreams and heart towards the next generation of friends and family. I have recently purchased two long term investments/gifts for two of my nieces. I bought Hope a Mox Pearl for $575 and a Mox Ruby for Mackenzie for $700. The cards are both worth more than I paid for them, though a concern is that Magic cards might not hold the same monetary value many years later when they are meant to be given to the nieces.
My current situation (2014) has $6,000 available for supporting myself, though that available money is credit of which I really don’t want to use. Since I lost my job with Nedco in 2009 I have relied heavily on credit to keep myself afloat. I too note that even with many irresponsible purchases, that I’ve stayed afloat. For now, today, I will finish this chapter and seed the future weeks with the intent of going home and cleaning and organizing the home in which I live.
There are many people of whom I interact with, and some of whom I like and love that I forget of too often. I note that there are many fewer sminks and users in my life, though that there are some. I too note that some friends I like and love too will share my home with me when they visit, and that I’m glad that they do. I hope to continue developing my life and planting good seed for future yield. When the rhymes are peeled away from the day, we too shall find that Aeris will learn, thrive, and play. Though they may not take my dreams away, I too note that some things will live forever and a day.
This chapter is very short, though accurate. I will learn, I will live, I will thrive, I will love, and I will create. Please guard, treasure, and foster your own soul and stay in connection with the people that you love and matter too. There are some who may want to use and abuse… do not be afraid to limit their involvement in your life. Also note that although some of us yet have to have met our own wants and needs, that God helps us tend the fields and help us till the seeds.
CHAPTER SIX.O.FIVE – Three Months Later… Let’s Plot It…
Okay, I now have quit the Dollar Tree… A job I got near the beginning of June. This brings the ideas back to how there are many reasons that people would think me evil and want to exterminate me. When I was working at the Dollar Tree I was becoming a very vulgar, angry, negative, and borderline violent person. I scooped. This reminds me of how I was behaving when at Wendy’s and Bozzini’s. I too pray and hope this will not happen with Shell, as at this time I like/love that job. I have only been working for Shell for two weeks past a month and like a few different things about that job. There is the fact that I am able to learn, process, and plan my life there. There are a few cleaning tasks that need to be completed during the nights when I work there, and these tasks are fairly simple. I also note that when I get all my tasks done, that I’m able to delve into my ‘life book’.
I recommend to each of you to have a book where you may plan your life from. I am using my life book for a few different things. I have planned my unlimited goals and life dreams. I have included people of whom to message and write for, I have included addresses and birthdays of friends and family, and I too note that I have set my plotting and planning for the future. That said, time to form the plot of how this will meld.
There are a few different gals that I like a lot. There are some who are never going to be a potential as they’re already hooked up, or just not a good fit into/with my life. The Glass House is still a goal, and though the vision has clarified in my mind a bit more clearly, I have no idea how to get there. I am now working 40 hours per week at Shell and haven’t yet met the time when I’ll have the three nights off after leaving the Dollar Tree. I’ve not written much for others in the past few weeks and too note I’ve neglected some of my friends and contacts. I also note I will hand out more discs, though not quite like how I’d scatter them to the wind. Now I hope to give discs to people intentionally, and to those that I want to hear specific albums or songs. I sold $100 of Magic last week and bought a 50 spindle of CDs, labels to seal envelopes, 3x USBs, and also 100 envelopes to mail discs to people out of town. I too have some stuffies to send to Seib/Wry/Aanderson people. I too note I have the main documents I’ll need to process my US waiver, though that it’ll cost another $800.
I am wanting to get a letter of employment from Shell to confirm to Scotiabank that I’m employed with them and that they’re going to keep me. I have been experiencing a great deal of anxiety before shift on Shell nights. It’s not a comfortable feeling and I’m not certain why I feel the anxiety. I now have the job and intend to keep it.
I also too am wanting to tend the soil of my gardens and fields with more creative work. If my debt is to be paid off with music sales, it’ll take 40,000 albums. Up to now, I’ve sold $23 of music this year. I’m not sure what value my music holds for other people and too am not one to like advertising/marketing. I also note I’m not wanting to get signed to a label, though do want to have a professionally produced album. I’m not sure why, though. I also have been befuddled with the real girl/Natalie issues and am on the cusp again of forgetting Natalie and delving in life with real gals. Elysia is a lovestone/gal that I like interacting with, and there are some other gal’s I like, though I also am not positive about keeping the Natalie dream if I’m going to go into a relationship with another gal.
I also fear working at Shell and not having enough money to keep myself afloat. I also then too don’t want to push or rush the creative projects as I don’t want to taint them. I find today that I want to write in this book instead of messaging or writing a page for another as this allows me to process. The Starbucks is quiet right now which is helpful for me to hone my intents by processing with myself on page.
(That was a few months ago… speed forward to January 2015!!)
I pause for a ciggie, and then return to writing….. please hold, somebody will be with you shortly!!
Let’s delve back to about two decades ago…. That’d be January 1995… I process verbally (and when typing, so this will use some of my processing skills shown with text.)
I graduated in 1996, so that’ll bring me back to grade eleven. First thought of that time/grade is Teal, which is on topic for this book. (Rewind back to grade 4-5 in Australia and I think of Jessica McKormick (Kenny from South Park’s last name)). Jessica was my first girlfriend and I got teased relentlessly for going out with her. Why!!?!? Sense not be making. I recall an event in Australia that involved baggies they sold Cheese Nips in (what I’d know later as ‘dime baggies’) and the bathroom of Beecroft Elementary. Jessica was in a group of four gals, and clearly, she wasn’t the leader. One of the girls in the group had said that we were throwing the baggies we filled with pee at the girls. Nope. We did fill the baggies with pee, though threw them at the wall in the bathroom. If I mix that as a metaphor, take a piss thought and toss it at a wall… I don’t want to throw baggies of pee (or water (or worse yet blood)) at another, though I’d call that a crack thought (I also sold crack for two weeks, though they fired me after getting involved in two hit and runs in the span of the first week of dealing (I also lost one, maybe two pieces, though I totally didn’t smoke them as the bosses thought I had)).
Anyhow… back to girlfriends/gals which is what this book is all about…. Finding Natalie, or if the dream/delusion/obsession is a ruse, then I still don’t know who I’ll hook up with, marry, and grow until I’m 85 years old with.
I’m a forever person. If I hook up with a gal, I want it to be for life. I’m fucked up that way in that I think long-term/commitment with my ideas of love. I have love for many people, though I thought Natalie was my soulmate and that I was going through years of tests, trials, and tribulations to prove my worth for her to magically appear one day. I AM a fool!
The dilemmas are many. If I hold out for the carrot, then I miss out on a relationship (what I typoed as REALationship) and hold out for a gal who I may never meet. The theories on this are, like, that if Natalie does know about me (highly fucking unlikely) she’s not made herself known and holds all the control. I’m okay with that. What I’m not okay with is that if she hasn’t made herself known, AND does know about me, why must I be held away for what seems like forever and be denied even a 5-minute conversation at the cost of almost forcing the issue of me being true or not?
My immediate situation is one with Elysia. I like her a lot, I can think of (maybe) longterm with her. I like/love her (and like her daughter too) though I still edge out on it. I sometimes use the terms ‘real girl/gal’ and ‘dream gal’. That says it clearly. Elysia is the current ‘real gal’, the one that I can maybe engage in a relationship due to the fact that I’m exhausted and tired (and angry) of being solo without a gal for so so long. The dream girl is obviously Natalie, though I’m tired of waiting for her. Back to the previous paragraph, there is then the chance that Natalie hasn’t known of me, and if that’s the case, why would she want to meet me!?!? If Natalie doesn’t know me, then it’s a waste of her time to meet me as I hold no value to her. The contrary idea though is that I just don’t know.
I’ve held (through more than a decade) and idea (I can’t call it a theory, as near no proof) that Natalie has known who I am. I’ve had many metaphysical encounters with an energy/spirit that I thought was her. I recall back in 1999-2000 many times where I’d think of Nat, smile, feel (what I thought was) her smile since she was smiling because I was glad (and/or thinking of her) and then have a third ‘up’ smile as me smiling because she was smiling/happy. In Shoulspeak (my language) that’d be a ‘triple fibe up shoulswim’.
I also recall Doug and Jude (my Mom’s brother and wife)’s house Christmas sometime near the turn of the millennium. I had a full body shoulswim with Natalie for five minutes while I smoked in the garage. There’s another line… “She knows my soul, yet don’t know my name.” If Natalie and I have (and/or had) a shoulic (sharing of soul) connection, then it may be that she knows of my energy, though not necessarily my legal identity. There too is the theory or idea that my imagination of who Natalie is (my past beliefs/awareness of her spirit) is merely an extension of myself. (I won’t tumble down the existential rabbit hole here (that everyone else is a mere imagination)).
And for right now, I sit at the Hyundai dealership.
I get agitated at people sometimes. I get pissed off at the pushes and pulls and power plays people use to gain and shift power. I find that that lined in the flows too shows some of the contialitic ideas fuse too. When I went to the hospital about two months ago (I had a very messed up sleep and med situation where I wasn’t on schedule), I had become very Natalie-centric again. About a week before the hospital visit (I didn’t go to the ward, just met a man that I insulted due to his behaviour (Dr. Ali)) I had been at the Animal Safe Haven to visit Belle and the other cats. When I went into the enclosure, Belle was the only cat in the outer area. I love Belle, and also love Natalie. I thought, and partly held the belief, that Belle was in the outer area and that after saying “hi” to Belle, that when I got into the inside part of the cage, that Natalie and Mr. Wilson were in the room. I also don’t like the fatalistic viewpoint I have sometimes.
I’m also concerned about dropping the Natalie dream, and should not be afraid to do so. Natalie’s had years to contact me and hasn’t. Elysia’s a real gal and I could easily develop a life of love, life, light, and luck with someone who IS willing to work together.
So then I go out to my music dreams and activities, though that’s also part of this whole mess. I also don’t see (or comprehend) what a dredge of my past failures in music has as relevance to ‘finding’ Natalie. I knew that when I met Demma (in the Philippines in 1999) that I thought I wanted to get signed to a record label so I could fly Demma over to North America and marry her.
The contialitic pressures on self are mixing in and out again. Cycling the node to the code of how some toads hop on the road and drop the load of the beat to split the writ to the street.
This book was started with the intent to write the full book from the perspective of Natalie to show her my comprehension of herself and my worth. If I don’t get the book to her, though, then what’s the next purpose? To share my story with others in the case that Nat and I could meet?! Then also as an idea, to share my story and advice to others. This book also is a way to process and share my journey towards my wife, even if I know it will not be Natalie. Then too I can show this to my family after written to share how we formed. I’m really getting pissed off at the contialitic energy again… pause for a ciggie to get the fucks out of my brain.