Written to Sapphire Sprite, chapter eight of my first book. There is only one more chapter to share from this book, and it will be posted tomorrow.
CHAPTER EIGHT – Ignite the Rite From the Sprite!
Hey! What’s up Sapphire!?!?! Remember to not wear your sunglasses and to let your brilliant eyes shine bright!
So the previous chapter was to Elysia, this one is to you young one. Anita, you know well that the situation has melded and felled the Id to find that I dredge up past bids of what I made. The fact that you’ve helped the lyrics be played (and the codes laid out too), the fact too is that you know partly what the mix of blue is.
For those who don’t know you, the facts of the book haven’t been shown yet to be true. I gave you (and Cassandra (and Brian)) copies of the first six chapters of this book. I also note that the seventh chapter hasn’t yet been viewed by anyone. It was written to Elysia as she’s the current real girl in the real girl/dream girl dilemma.
I note you are an amazing one, and that I love you too a lot, though we too know you’ll never be my gal. This is (now) good news, as you’ve got Chris and the two of you (from what I’ve read) are melding well. I also like the fact that you have read parts of The QBlue Project which was too seeded as being Natalie-centric. Today I write a bit at Starbucks while I wait for Cassandra. She’s been one to consume some of my creative works. I gave her a USB of my tracks a few weeks ago and also wonder how much (if any) of Finding Natalie she’s read.
I also (since writing to you) think of how some other ideas have limited me by being Natalie-centric. (I also for some reason think of Shoulspeak words as I write to you).
So, as of now (July 30th, 2015), Elysia and I are not a couple and I’ve had one month since I gave her some questions to answer. This means that she and I haven’t had a relationship talk in more than a month and that some major/important questions haven’t been answered. We’re in a holding pattern that is a bit comforting, yet disturbing. I don’t like being in this float zone. I find that I’m not seeking any major goals or dreams, and I want to have and form some source of purpose.
I note that I help some people with car rides and other things, though the Natalie dream too is one that I value for as to who I will need to become and what I will need to do to ‘achieve’ the dream. I put the word achieve in quotes because I know meeting Natalie is not just an objective to achieve and then drop. The part of meeting her then too (I note) is that if I meet her, what then?!?! I don’t want to set my life and goals on meeting her and then finding rejection from her because spending time, effort, energy, and money in finding her is not what I want to do just to meet her and then wonder “Now what?!!” (August 2016, I still don’t know)
I sometimes have no clue what I am trying to accomplish. I go from here to then. I also note we’ve not talked for quite a while. I also want to write more from other people’s perspectives, though right now can’t quite clearly think of whose perspective to write from. “It takes two to write, and one to read.”
If the book is meant to form the story of how I meet my gal, and also help me process and clarify my wants, it does help with that. With some of the mental energies and thoughts that have been had, it too shows that the Glass House too is an idea to live closer to my Dad. You lost your Dad (and some other friends (two primary ones) have different relationships with their Dads). One friend dislikes their father, and the other too does, though had never known theirs. You and I hold a different sitch, as we both know our Dads are (and were) loved. After knowing you for about a year, I know that you loved your Dad dearly and that you adored him in a similar (and maybe stronger) sense than I adoring mine. I wish your Dad was still here.
I love my Dad dearly. He is an amazing man who has sacrificed so so much and also is one who’s demonstrated love and kindness. Even though my Mom raised me from grade seven on, my Dad now is one of the people on this planet that I adore and love and cherish the most. My Mom and my Dad split when the three of us lived in Hong Kong. For a few years after that, I was really really angry at my Dad. I took his leaving as that he loved Sarah (my step-mum) more than my Mom and I combined. It’s been 22 years plus, and though I accept my situation (and like how I and my Dad have developed the connection and bond we now have) my parents’ divorce affected me severely. I also note that even if my Dad wasn’t actually living with me from grade seven until university, he did help raise me. He is exceptionally supportive of me and is one of the most important people in my life.
I also wonder of your Mom and how she is. I never met your Dad, and I also recall you have two sisters. I’m an only child and note that I parallel some of our qualities and traits. I also really like the fact that when we meet I don’t have to pick up much verbal slack as you’re a Sapphire too sometimes.
I also wonder (rewinding back to the beginning of this book) what the intent is now that I’ve not been so focused on True (Natalie). I’ve thought this book to explain and share the journey towards finding my gal and still don’t think that Elysia should be written off. I also note that I’ve thought of the idea that she’s holding me away from other gals and playing me like a riddle for her own personal sitch. There have been times where she seems to be totally false, and at other times shows herself as being extremely true. She is (and hopefully always will be) a friend, though I still think of how she gives me what I consider as fake hugs. You gave me an amazing hug the day I gave you the first six chapters of this book and I don’t doubt you as being a true friend. I do doubt, though, that Elysia loves me (and/or ever will). There have been two times where she and I got closer physically, and both times it seemed like lust and not love. (I also too now don’t want to let Elysia drink around me as both times she was drinking).
The other thing with Elysia is the daughter factor. If I hook up with Elysia, that means that I’d be a dad of some sort for her child, even though I never will be her father. I think deep long-term stuff, and Elysia has yet to give me a belief that she’s thinking long-term also/either. I don’t want a fuck friend, even if that is NOT the offer.
There too is a defense and safety in not being hooked up. The idea too is, partly, that the people of Chilliwack know this entire play and that I’m being played like a game. I don’t like that. It also inclines me to wonder if Elysia is just playing a part and role in a Natalie conspiracy. That’s also why I am reluctant to ‘hook up’ with a gal, as I want love and doubt I can love another. The previous places I’ve lived too showed their own plot and plan and noted that it comes down to the fact that I honestly don’t want to slander Elysia, though I think not that she really does love, and secondarily believe that she is trying to seduce me, a trap in which I wish not to fall in. This is a focal and potential paranoid delusion. I don’t want to corrupt my heart and fall into lust to ruin myself and my chances to meet Nat. Then again, Karen of Esso recommended I try a real relationship and learn from it to ‘use’ in the future if to connect with Nat. You, Anita, were the one who told me just to go for it. I still think that’s not a good idea.
Cassandra will be here soon… I’ll break node for now, get a refill, and have a ciggie… PS… Even the Chinese zodiac calls my Dad a piggie.
August 3rd, 2015
I wrote the first part of this Chapter to you before writing the last bit of Chapter Seven to Elysia… from the end of that Chapter, we know her and I are not to be a couple…. that resets a few things.
So now, a moment to assess my current situation.
No major wants of searching for Natalie… that the Elysia situation took the charm or enchantment that Natalie had on me off. I am okay with this… again a denouncement of the spell cast upon me.
I am now drawing in breath to find where I am, where I want to go, what I want to do, and why I want to do it.
I will thrive. I will keep ploughing communal fields with good seed. I will heed the intuition I am given to keep at ‘er. I am still very much present based and note that I have some wrongs to right. I am now without a job or paid employment. I am mainly okay with this. Other people may not be. I am (and will) to keep on helping some people as needed or required. I will be able to focus on writing again, though if Natalie is not a goal, I need to shift my future sight.
I can see the Glass House. I know that to build it I will need to save $2,500/month for 10 years to cover down payment. I know not how to generate $ from the recordings made, and don’t want to use push marketing. I want to help bridge connections and people and friends (to introduce friends, I will have to reach others to build more connections within the community). I do, and will, be a communal support. I know that I’m a bit limited as having few friends and contacts, though also have ideas for how I will behave.
I don’t have a plan right now… I know I have a good and kind (and sometimes) meek heart… I too note I have an amazing potential for some extremes on both sides of the equation. It is then that I make the choice to abide by PLU8R and my prerogatives to assure I am a plus one and not a negative one. Our conscious choices of how we will behave in the future, who we will help, and in my case who I write to are crucial also. I like that you asked me for pages so many times and that you too have a kind and dear heart. I am concerned about you sometimes with how delicate you can be in your stubbornness to accept fact and reality (Brian issues in the past). I also note that environment is a major effect on people, (like how the music I heard then allows me to feel hopeful and small and bright with the fact that my heart is Peace too).
I have found that I need to reset and gather (and regather) myself so often and that writing is one way that helps me do so. My cousin Julianna gave me a notebook one time that pretty well reminds me that I need to write to stay alive. I have such ideas to help many more than a few, and not sure how to do it on my own.
I want to help and gather good… an idea from Kyle Wayland too showed me that I AM a good person, and sometimes meek as a four-year-old child. I have a photo of myself as a kid in grade 3-5 where I am with a Koala. It reminded me of a time where I had never consumed drugs. Drugs messed me up and corrupted me extremely in Vancouver before Chilliwack. I also don’t know if you, Anita, should be the one that I divulge my past situations and regrets and glories from my drug and street life. I then mix back to wanting to tend advice to you to keep your heart and being and spirit safe.
“A layer of light and luck and life and love from above to guard you and keep you as a peaceful dove.”
I thank you for being a friend. You have tended my heart too to be one to feel sadness and gladness, and you aid the capacity of who I am. Even if you talk more than I do when we meet, merely knowing you, and being able to write to you, help my heart. You are a dear Sprite. Specifically YOU as a Sprite!? I’ll explain.
You are a super cute disco smarty! Your eyes and face sparkle and show such amazing capacity for love and tears and joy. You are petite (shorter) and also just filled with life! Your Sapphire link too melds the tears you’ve shed and that you produce life giving energy. Sprites are cast with one point of green mana and are definitely magical! When sourced from life and nature, you keep a heart. The music playing while I write this is deep melancholy. Your sadness is a strong current, though you too remind me that sadness is a beautiful emotion. Few people know sadness, and those too that have known sadness carry it with them in their heart.
I ask you too to remember the traits of a Sapphire; A true, codal, speaker. When I call someone a Sapphire, it can mean that they are very vocal or verbose, and also it includes them as being true. The symbol of blue mana is a water drop, though I too associate it as tears. I know there is no other way to label you with Magic and Shoulspeak as being a dear Sprite, Sapphire. You are a lovestone in that you too know and have the capacity of love… sometimes to your own sadness. (I do note also that we should watch out that you don’t get mad… you could easily turn into a Ruby if your heart was provoked!)
I then paused and asked you what to write to you about… you chose your love for your friends and animals!
You should meet Belle! She’s a cat at the Chilliwack Animal Safe Haven that I love and have neglected a lot. I also note that you had lost your horse Sundance recently. I also too think of your dog Blue and how you lost her, even if not to death. I then seem to be aware you’ve had a lot of loss, and hope you too don’t lose any friends to death or distance. My issue with friends and animals is that I neglect and forget some. I had two cats that had passed before you and I ever met, and they (like some) were totally dear. I note that I love animals too and that I’m to write about you and your situation all.
I note that with friends, you too are sensitive to how others affect you. You remind me that friends too should be tended to, and remind me that there is love and like between some people that we are not in direct relationship with. You also remind me that friends are a very important thing in life, and I too remind you that even when you’ve not spoken with a friend for a very long time, that it doesn’t mean they’re not a friend or that they don’t care.
We (you and I) haven’t spoken or met for a long time, though you too make my heart smile. I am glad you are a friend that I don’t need to talk to so often and note that we know we like and have a form of love between. I also note that with the animal topic that it shows a great sign about how our pets respond to others. The notion that “If my dog doesn’t trust you, I shouldn’t either”. This then too may mean that some should be cautious of some the way that their dogs respond. I also think of how the way that Bella and Freya treat me too hopefully shows to James and Maddison that I am a friend to trust.
I love meeting pets of friends, and note too that I also really like and love meeting other people’s parents sometimes. I know that a very telling sign of you is how you have such a capacity for love and compassion. You get pissed off at the right things, and the fact you love animals also shows a great thing of you and your heart. And then too, as some of the love you have for friends also shows how even when some people are mean to you or treat you unfairly, that you keep your love and like and connection to and for them. That shows your compassion and how you do have an amazing heart!
The downside of having an amazing heart, though, is when you like or love someone and the relationship doesn’t form. I thought of writing to (or from) Brian later in this book, and note your behaviours with or to him also remind me of myself and Natalie. The way that you were so taken and ‘at’ Brian shows me too that my obsession with Natalie’s not always healthy. Even though you wanted to form with Brian, he wasn’t wanting to. You kept on about him and even when he said ‘no’ and shut you out, you were still so so much trying to force the relationship. With the case of you and Brian, he was one that you knew and were one that he did respond to. With Natalie and me, there is no way of her rejecting me and telling me no and rejecting me. That was a notion of safety as if she couldn’t reject me, there was no way of me knowing to give up. That lingering hope too was what pulled me forward for years. You knew Brian, and refused to be rejected. I went at Natalie, even though I’ve never yet known who she is. Not a good parallel.
The link word is ‘obsession’, though. The difference is ‘the world’ telling me to not go for Natalie the way I was telling you that Brian was not on about it. No matter how much I tried to tell you to ‘let it go’, you generally didn’t. So many times I’ve been told to give up the dream or to ‘let it go’ and often told people that I couldn’t. That it was just a part of my heart. “Tell blue not to be blue” I would say. Your belief was that you could force the connection, and we know it couldn’t be done. I seemed to think I could meet Natalie, and we know not that I still want to respond differently. You wanted to hold onto Brian. I totally want to throw the Natalie dream aside for a few reasons.
The Natalie dream is a trap. I had fallen into the pit, and I still feel like shit about it. You know it doesn’t feel fair to be trapped in loving someone when they are not able or wanting to reciprocate. Brian said no, and Natalie has never had the chance to say no. Again totally different situations, though I try to form parallels in life to explain and comprehend. Apples and Oranges?
It’s really quite depressing and negative for me to think or write about Natalie. It too reminds me of my Feb 2nd challenge to Jeff Probst. I messaged every day for a week and was not even given a response. The false hope is what I don’t like. I also don’t know how I would respond if just told ‘No’. Maybe I refuse and give up way too soon. It’s like the opposites of ‘forget it, it will never happen’ to ‘well if I don’t know it’s not going to happen, I would at least like a direct response.’ It’s a total flustercluck.
Now I feel nauseous. Thinking of Natalie literally makes me feel sick. It’s like a decade plus of angst and negativity and rejection stuffed in my stomach because I haven’t been able to resolve the issue.
So what should I do!?!? From yesterday, I know that Elysia and I are a no go… that means that I’m single entirely with no dangling potentials (I’m okay with that). The dilemma with Elysia was almost a real girl/no girl argument, and now it’s kind of nice and cool and cazh to know I am not actually in a relationship. I too note that I’m not so knowing who and what I’m searching for now. Solo at the Starbucks again is kind of saddening or depressing, though I laugh it off because I want to remain glad. I take a breath and know that I keep spinning my wheels back to the similar spots and notions. It’s 5:52 pm and I have no responsibilities today. I have a meeting at 7 pm, and Kevin’s to visit after the meeting. I then am inclined to write of how I value freedom so highly that maybe I’m terrified of being locked in a relationship. Not totally true, though I also note that I had envisioned a life path with Elysia. It’s like I use so so many words to describe the exact same things from many different perspectives.
It is also difficult to build a life as one… that’s where friends help a lot for me. Talking and processing, understanding advice, and recommendations and perspectives also help guide me. I know I work solo a lot, though one thing of Elysia is that she didn’t give input or advice or share a vision with me about the life her and I were to live. I could see a life a decade from now, she could not, and a life is built TOGETHER, not one for another. Where am I going to find a gal to build WITH?!?!!? Probably not writing at the Starbucks in another solo activity. Anyhow Anita…. As this chapter (and the others) show, I’m a cluster fuck of everything and nothing with far too many issues that seem to be the same one’s that have been haunting me for decades. Another good question, why would any gal ever want to hook up with me anyways?!?!? I have no clue….
Anyhow… I perchance should ship off to Chapter Nine. No idea who that chapter will be written to, or if I’ll write from someone else’s perspective. We note that my life is an elective in which I wish to earn, learn, and give and that I still have not an idea what the universe will let me help build. Too noted, that I mix in how these words and pages are still mentally and conscio-accidentally spilled into how we all know that I too may no-go a show to find and meet the lovestone for which I am to help learn, develop, and grow.
Good thing we’ve got our friends, though…. they let us know we’re FINE and still will let us know even when it’s all Fucked-Up Insecure Neurotic and Emotional, and that there ARE some that also love!
Love you, Anita! Please keep shining!!