Chapter seven of Finding Natalie was written outwards to a gal that I had discussed forming a relationship with. Though we did not hook up, it was the case I was ready to shed some things, even the dream of Natalie.
CHAPTER SEVEN – What If It Isn’t You?
Another long pause of time happened before writing the previous pages, and now I node (again) at the Hyundai Dealership waiting for a $600 charge for replacing the alternator.
The time now 9:08 am Monday, May 4th, 2015. May the fourth be with you!
So as things have developed/evolved, I now still find myself placed up on the shelf. Elysia and I are still dancing in the boundaries of the classic friend zone. It seems that we could (and may) meld well, and I also left Shell.
I sit here with about 4 hours of time to focus on this book and not pages of rhyme. I have no job right now and too want to plough the fields for future yields. I have no idea (that is rational) about how I will build the Glass House and/or how to finance my general life in Chilliwack. Ideally, for now, I’d love to earn $2,500/month to keep myself afloat and also have a bit to save. This past January I also sold all of my cards and filed bankruptcy.
My Mom is in town right now too (with my birthday two days ago). I turned 37 this past birthday and I need (again) to form a plan for myself and my life (and still don’t know if I’ll ever have a wife). The idea of this book has shifted again partly away from the story of Nat and me to rather how I shall develop and apply myself in and with my journey. I am sad and noded here where I haven’t a clue fully what to do.
I am noting my distant future too is strongly linked to ‘Finding Natalie’ as the book is the story of myself and how (and who) I meet and develop with to the point of finding the gal that will live with me to my end of days. It’s like a maze I travel, yet still formed in one direct line. This book has now sort of turned into my life book instead of writing solely for Nat.
I meet with Margret Lima at UFV (University of the Fraser Valley) this Thursday who is a disability counselor at the university. The intent is to find if I can go back to school to learn and be a Community Support Worker. This idea is in line with myself and my long-term goals of Glass House and the desire to work a job that isn’t a basic minimum wage job. My concern is financing again. That’s been a main challenge/issue with me through the years. Christy Whitman had said that manifesting $ is the easiest thing to manifest. I’ve not found that to be true. I also think of how I learned the idea that there are four pillars of life; Health, Wealth, Love, and Happiness. The wealth part has been the most difficult for myself.
I also am to form my own idea/plan as to what I would like to do long term. That spins it back to Elysia and how she revealed the other day that she does want more than just friendship, and I like that. I am concerned/afraid of hooking up with her and will take it slow. I’m very glad that Elysia and I meet up and interact. We have great communication between ourselves and that’s a strong value. I also like that she reaches out to me. Elysia and my Mom met for the first time yesterday and I’m glad they did (and that Elysia wanted to meet her).
My Mom’s opinion is that she thinks Elysia’s a nice gal and that she’s been through a lot. The two of them talked for most of the meeting and I’m okay with that. I also wonder about myself and also if I can commit to Elysia.
Some questions to answer are; What do I want to do with my time here on Earth? Who do I want to be around while doing so? How will I finance my life? Am I on the right path? What are my core values?
I want to earn PLU8R and note that I shall. I am one who wants to be in a relationship with a lovestone and build a life for our family. I too shall acquire financial freedom and keep writing and creating. I want to create for people and too earn and maintain an audience. I like that I have time to write and also hope to record more. I am glad to have had drinks, ciggies, and food (and a car and a home) and note I too wish to step away from being a smoker. I don’t like that Elysia smokes more around me and also don’t want to seed the idea of smoking to the future generations.
Another question (that may be more relevant to this book) is what am I searching for in/of the gal I want to grow old with?
Elysia. She’s an amazing gal who’s shown great grace, kindness, and compassion to me. We communicate really well in person (we both prefer the phone to texting) and I also like that she initiates contact. My Mom also mentioned that engaging in a relationship with another who has a child also is that the child will take priority (rightfully) sometimes.
Through the past few years, I’ve had more thoughts about kids and the raising of a child. I am mainly put off by the idea of fostering and/or having a baby. I’m not on about the idea of diapers and the near two years of immobility due to having a toddler/baby that needs such attention. It’s like I want to be a Dad, though not have to deal with the baby/poop/diaper phase. I also want to help raise a child and note that even though I’m not her actual Dad, I’d be okay with being a father figure for/to Elysia’s daughter. If Elysia and I do get together, then I too note that her daughter should be her primary concern/responsibility. Will/would I be concerned about being sidelined for her?
The music playing while I was writing this said: “It wouldn’t work”. That’s another concern of Elysia. What would happen if we didn’t succeed in holding together? Am I ready for a relationship? How will I be able to afford our family? What will happen with the Glass House (where I set a timeline of 2029 to build)? The other issue of the Glass House is that I see in the vision of it that it’s in Australia. The main child’s room seems to be for a younger child (10-13 years old). If built in 2029 Elysia’s daughter will be 19yrs old. If Elysia is the one who’ll be my wife, then how will her and our family be able to also live in Australia, and what will I do to earn our chance to live there?
(Renoding with the book after reading up to here…. June 29th, 2015)
Elysia gave me permission to write this chapter to her… I found I wrote the previous parts first and will ask for five questions she wants to be answered before answering them to her in this chapter. (Chapter 8 will be written to Anita).
And two days later, I resume… (And wrote this to Elysia)
And you didn’t have any questions… This causes me to feel the word I’ve used too often with you; ‘agitated’. I don’t like this word or the feeling associated with it. I also don’t want to use the word frustrated as it’s not quite accurate enough. I got mad when you wouldn’t give me any questions to answer for writing this, though will carry on and through and forward with it, Elysia, even if you gave me no questions to answer when I asked for some.
I note I’ve been quite rude and accusatory with you. I have told you time and time again that I get mad when I can’t hear what you are saying on the phone. I also note that I’ve commented to other people that I like our communication abilities. We talk very well in person, though it’s limiting when I can’t hear what you’re saying on the phone. Perchance you don’t speak or ask questions on the phone because I can’t hear them. Communication is the most important thing between two people if they are to be a couple, and I told you cheaply yesterday that I don’t think we’re a couple when we closed the call (and not fairly either… I just threw the statement at you and haven’t heard from you since). I find it ironic that a few months ago I was the one wanting a relationship, and I’m not sure of that with you now.
I have found myself complaining to people about you and that’s not a good sign. I’ve complained about the hugging issue in that it really seems like you give me fake hugs when you are the one to offer. Advice to other people too, if you’re going to offer a hug, make sure it’s a real good one!
Obviously, too, your daughter is a major factor. As I mentioned on the first two pages of this chapter (which were not written to you) I am one to think long-term… Glass House long-term, ie, who will I live with until I get very old. I had thought you could be one to live with long term, though if I can’t seem to handle or understand how I am meant to interact with you, it seems like a terrible idea. I recall a dream I had of two random gals and the notion/idea from the dream is that I could meld well with any gal, and at one point did want it to be you. Today, not so certain.
I note that I’m still unfair to you in my communications. Perchance it should have been I to ask the questions instead of you. If we don’t talk well for processing on the phone, then in person is another option. If we keep as we are now, though, I don’t think it’s a good idea to hook up with you.
A few months ago you thought that Natalie was a major concern for you and if I could get past the dream of her. I have, and have not, and so many times have thrown her and the dream aside to focus on a real girl. I wrote a lot to and about Dana (even though we only had one date) and I also don’t want to diminish the fact that you’ve invested a year or so into/with me for OUR relationship. I don’t think as obsessively about Natalie in the ways that I used to through so many years, though, yes, she is still a name that crosses my being sometimes.
I also don’t want to use this chapter as a complaint journal or dump zone. I do love you as a person and friend, though think of the parameters that we’d need to sort if to hook up long-term. Maybe you don’t want long-term like I do, yet not something we yet know. I have thought of your daughter and how she would be affected if we connected. I also too got to wrapped up in the future and the what could be instead of appreciating what IS now.
I am glad that you gave me permission to write this chapter to you. It is a channel that I can use to process my thoughts and intents, and also share with another. I did send you a FB message that you’d not yet read that had a few questions that I have. The answers to those questions will affect what comes of us and our friend(relation)ship. I often forget to ask some things, and I again note that I’ve been harsh on the phone with you. If I believe you are not to speak on the phone, then I should have questions to ask or things to say. The thing with me too though is that I sometimes need questions to answer the way you too may.
For right now, I’ll pause this chapter and break node…. I’ll keep this chapter active through the next few days and really really hope you give me some input and response to the questions I’ve asked and that I’ve not damaged the situation too far with my negativity….
CHAPTER 7.24 – I Guess I Have Some Questions to Answer
July 23rd, 2015
I gave you (Elysia) five questions about three weeks ago… Technically on Canada Day. The five questions that I gave you to answer haven’t yet been answered by you. We’ve not yet had a chance to talk about them, though you said a few days ago that the five questions I asked you are five that you’ve been asking of me from some time ago. The questions I asked:
- What is your ideal situation with/for you and me?
- Where are you wanting us to go and how do you want us to develop?
- If you want a relationship with me (which you may not) why do you want one?
- How can we meld if we don’t communicate well on the phone and have to use the phone as a channel for us when not in the same room?
- What can I do for you and your life if we are not a couple?
- What type of friend and what things can I do for you anyhow outside of us having a primary relationship?
You’ve gotten agitated with me when you’ve asked me some similar questions in the past because I can’t seem to give a clear or direct answer. So Elysia, since this book is about ‘Finding Natalie’ I too note that this chapter is totally to you, as you are a substantial part of this journey and story.
We are both pretty amazing people… You’ve been an amazing Mom, you’re extremely kind and compassionate, and I too have said to others that I like how we can talk about major life situations and also about our muddled relationship.
I also note that I tend to discuss too many of the branches of the ideas and facts of our relationship without knowing about the roots of our sitch, and what the whole idea of our tree is. Using the word tree in regards to our relationship then goes to how I’m wondering if we do stay together long term, what will the family tree be.
I had written a hope and prayer in my prayer book that said: “If I go to Oz [Australia], let Elysia come along too”. This was meant for my trip to Australia for Christmas, though I thought of the request of such and linked to the Glass House. I thought of how the Glass House is to be built in Australia. This puts a timeline of your daughter being 15 years old which would mean that the home would be there in 10 years… 2025.
I also note that I AM still muddled with Natalie ideas and thoughts… I also note my Dad got concerned of and for me a few days ago when on the phone. It was because of me posting an article I wrote and it was stemmed from Natalie. He doesn’t comprehend how I’ve thought of her for so so many years. To me, the Natalie dream is completely irrational. There (in my awareness) is no known reason why Natalie would know who I am, and there too is the fact that the life she’s living is not one that I think I could meld with. I know we’re meant to ‘begin with the end in mind’, though I can’t (and almost don’t want) to visualize Natalie in my future and Glass House. I also note that I’m not familiar with her and who she is, whereas you are one that I do like (and sometimes think I too love (at least sometimes I say it and mean it, even if not aware of the feeling when not near you)).
The thing that I think I’m hooked on Natalie so much is the shouling… the depths and magnitude of the feelings I’ve had for (and what I thought, with) her for so many years and in so so many ways. I’m still shackled to that tree…. You had that concern a long time ago, and I don’t want it to be an issue… then again I also don’t want to deny the feelings, thoughts, and emotions that I have.
Bringing the writing back to our questions, though. I read into the last two questions… they both seem to ask what I can do if we are not a couple; what we would be if not in a primary relationship. Then again, if I want a primary relationship with you. I have a great fear of giving into you and leaving the dreams of my heart thrown away. I also note I could build a great future with you, and have had thoughts of what would happen if we did so. Then my neurotic mind goes back to the wondering of how we will live our lives, if together or not.
I have a belief that if I made Natalie the goal, that I could meet her. I also want to throw the dream away as it’s been hounding my heart for more than a decade. It’s really worn on my soul… exhausted, yet I keep pressing on.
“Why wait for eventually?”-Alicia Keys
Because ‘eventually’ is not a guarantee and I don’t want to wait and strive towards Natalie if I don’t meet her. It could leave me alone and with no gal, and you (Elysia) should not be given a second place prize. Then I want to yell at myself “ROB!!! YOU DON’T KNOW NATALIE AND NEVER FUCKING WILL!!!”
Elysia… I’m still fucked up on Nat… I don’t like it. I want to love you too (and know I can build a life of love and such with you as a family, though I still haven’t a clue.)
“I thought love would be my cure, but now it’s my disease”-Alicia Keys
I think part of it is that I know I like you and that I could love you forever (and a day) and still love the irrational notion and idea of the imagined version of who Natalie is. (Rewind back to what I want to yell at myself).
July 30th, 2015
It’s too may be fact that the deck is stacked, and though I’ve tracked some of this process, it still finds me messed up and not able to commit to a real gal (you) because of many reasons. The lingering Nat stuff, plus the fact I can’t see so much of a future for you and I if we meld. I can partly see the Glass House with you in it, and then choose whether that is the vision that I use and hold and meld for my future. I have concerns of your Mom and her life… I know that I can’t smink you to Australia and that that would not go well with her. I also note that if you and I go to Australia, that there is a lot of legal parameters that would need to be formed. I think of how my Dad and Sarah are there, though I think that may be something to ask my Dad. And again it goes back to “how will I (we) afford our home?”
I’ve dragged on the music situation and creation for more than a decade too. The Natalie sitch was part of where and why I was wanting to be a mainstream artist more than a decade ago. The idea initially (Makati 1999) was to get signed and bring Demma over from the Philippines. Then later the mainstream idea was because I could meet Nat on equal grounds (of fame and fortune). I note that Natalie (or rather a mental energy that I thought was her) would have arguments about the core reason that I liked and loved her. She would claim money or beauty (the beauty link to how I thought if I said ‘I love you’ to you Lori in the ward that it’d seal me and Nat together). The fact is is that it was core. It’s been the spirit and energy that I perceive as Natalie (that I was recently told may just be my own subconscious). Then rewind back to why I wanted to go mainstream. So I could be rich.
Decades later, $108 sold on Bandcamp in the past four years. I also note that I’ve not been pushing the music like I have sometimes thought I should. I have the belief that the music is good, though relevant to very few (and that too is why I share my codes and ideas and stories with some, so that the creative ideas and thoughts will make more sense). For a long time, rhyme was the reason. Words put together purely because they rhymed. 200 or so recordings later, I know just that I’ve recorded a lot, and have little awareness of how (and who) my music has affected. I’d love to earn a substantial income from my music, though that’s not a rational thought. (Then too I recall that I’m meant to be answering questions (and went outer nodal with you, Elysia, by writing outwards and not direct to you.))
Boil it down Rob. I want a relationship with you, Elysia, since I can’t make Natalie my goal. That is not a good reason. I don’t want to treat you like a runner up in the game of who has to meld with this stupid kid named Rob. I know I could build a life. I know not what you want or think, though. That’s why I want YOUR answers to the questions, though you’ve not presented those to me yet. I want to know YOUR wants, YOUR desires, YOUR visions, YOUR reasons. I can’t do this shit on my own y’all. It’s really fucking frustrating when I seem to have to be the one to make all the choices and initiate the ideas, and although I too note I need to accept full responsibility, I want some effort and input from others (including absolutely YOU!).
So if this chapter was to write to you and process my questions’ answers from my perspective, I still want to hear YOUR answers and inputs and visions. I will not build another’s life WITHOUT them building with me. Please put in some consecrated effort.
Should I write to Anita now!?!? (She’s chapter 8)
I don’t want to leave this chapter as a curt edge at you. I do like you Elysia… I know that if we had to, we could build a wonderful life, though sometimes it totally seems that YOUR heart and effort are not into it. Couple my lack of belief in you being true love (blend the paranoia that you’re merely playing me like a riddle/game), and the fact that I don’t sense yet your honest intentions (and effort) it leaves me to be open to communication with you, though not believing that my (and your) heart are capable of actually being true loves; that that I yearn for. This may leave me as being solo and with you as a great friend, though how (and why) do you think we could be lifelong mates?
I think I’ll come back to this chapter after you and I have an in-depth discussion….
Monday, August 3rd, 2015
And as the saying goes, closing the chapter on an idea. We made the choice to not be a couple, so as Starbucks’ CEO would say… Onwards!
We watched the movie Paper Towns last night and had a chat before the movie. I think it is a positive thing that we are still on great friend grounds without actually going full on into the relationship. I also note that last night I found some more of who I am, how I interact, and also how I will present myself in life. I will not be slanderous (even if based on fact and not speculation or false claim) and also note the sixth control drama technique, which is interrupting. I value that you will keep on topic with what you were saying when I interrupt and note that you too help me with my communication skills. As we are now NOT forming a relationship, I guess the chapter on you and I being a couple is over, and I am okay with that.
Sooo… Chapter Seven on you, Elysia, is closed. Onto Chapter Eight to another lovestone, even though I know she too will not be my gal.
Links to the previous chapters, introduction, and purchase link:
And if you really want to dig in… Purchase link for a printed copy