Although a super-short section, the last few pages of the book Finding Natalie. Chapter Nine was written to myself about where I was with the Natalie dream and idea at the close of 2015.
CHAPTER NINE – A Fragment of Intent
This chapter is written to myself.
You closed the doors. This day is another for you to do what you do and grow and nurture and develop. The idea of one ‘closing a chapter’ of their life is accurate. The idea you had though was to close the book on Natalie.
Be free! Be you!! Because you are the one to form and forge your fate.
Natalie, or rather the dream of her is closed. Thrive!!! Remember that even if you think a decade or more of her was too much, it brought you forward and taught you many lessons. You overcame the hurdle of living explicitly for another without reciprocation. Think of how you closed some other people out of your life and made the choice to abide by your own prerogatives. To learn, to love, to live, to thrive, and to create.
This book, even if not to reach the hands of the one you started it for, can be kept to show your journey. You will keep writing and recording and reciting. Never give up on the chance to create or (as Mom said) err on the side of anything of what is good and/or true.
Even if you now accept Natalie as being a false hope or dream, remember with this chapter and book that you too learned to look within. You know you don’t need Natalie (or any other gal) the way you had thought of her. At one point in your life, you thought that you NEEDED to meet Natalie to complete your life. Now be free to abide by the fact that the impact she had on your heart was years before the life of Aeris’ child had started.
Write a new book, or track it as a life journal to share. You haven’t given up on the Glass House…. you haven’t stopped writing or recording… you have learned to give and share, and too to not allow yourself to be put into situations you wish not to be. Form your life with the will of God and who you are, and can be.
Each day, I ask you to renew your mind and connections and spirit. Your soul is a good one, and you will carry on with life to further develop your heart, and to not have it chained. I write to remind you of a few things that you’ve yet to understand.
Your life IS yours AND it includes many more than a few. You know too that The QBlue Project is now meant to explain what you have formed. The goal is no longer to meet Natalie. The goal is to learn and develop and create for people and to earn, learn, develop, and ensure you work well on your dreams. What are your dreams? Your dreams are to thrive and reach the point of seeing clearly that you need not have another to complete you. That you are complete on your own, and that people that you allow in your life too should be ones that you want in your life. Your Mom and your Dad have been there for you for your entire lifetime. Be sure you honour them. Be sure you love them. Be sure you will treasure them and help them be glad by forming a life that is good and noble and full and true.
Just like anyone else, there will ever only be one of you.
I thank you for being one to remember others and the lessons they and you teach. Although you reached out so many times to so many people, that too may have been the right idea. Be more conscious of what you want in your life. Choose what you will allow, and not allow. Remember that your choices will form the results you seek.
You want to thrive and earn, and I note in many ways you have. You had never found Natalie, though you did find that you learned how to be okay with yourself and your life, even if you didn’t receive what you thought you wanted.
In the close of this book, I remind you of three major things that you should always remember of yourself.
You are good.
You are loved.
You can love.
Basic as that. You wanted to meet Natalie for all the right reasons and too knew not to chase or force the connection. You know your parents are ones that will forever be ones that allowed you to live your life in ways they may not have approved. You also now know that your life is what you choose to make it.
You will learn.
You will love.
You will live.
You will thrive.
You will create.
Keep the sands of sleep deep in the tears that you shed. Note forever that by the entire contialis you are led. Note you too hold a heart that has a capacity still way beyond your own understanding, and too that it is for many more than a few, not just the one you selected True.
You are a person who knows you haven’t figured out all the details, though too we know you hold the bold dream of not letting anything stop you from creating a life for which you love.
Keep the fact that the dream of Finding Natalie is complete, and that your life is not.
As a last note to this, I am aware you are afraid of not knowing what to do, though the things you will need to understand will be kept for you to know.
Continue the flow,
Continue to grow,
Continue to be the one that you are, with no need to form a show. Let the dream go…
Closing Notes From the Author – August 16th, 2016
Although the form of this book is not a standard/professional style, it’s an extension and layer of who I am, and what I yearn for. I may be seeking for validation or attention or acknowledgment of my own worth or value, and though I may ‘try’ to be valuable, I’m just a kid who’s not ‘adulted’.
I do still want to meet Natalie, though I cannot chase the dream. Even if meeting her has been what my heart burns and yearns for, I cannot chase the dream. It is not healthy for my soul.
My intents with Natalie for now, are to share my story with people, and even if I cannot go searching for her specifically, I can, and will follow this book with another called Searching for Tomorrow. Through the time since 2013 when I started this book, my own heart has evolved and changed into new forms, and behaviors, and also connections.
I have learned that MY process is to write and create and share my ideas, thoughts, and words with people. My heart is for the world. I speak (some) of it through my words and rhymes.
Please allow yourself the freedom to dream!! Our journey here on Earth is NOT solitary as it sometimes seems. Please care well for yourselves and your full being, and seeing that I cannot chase the dream, perchance there is Magic in the Gathering.
We will learn… We will live… We will love… We will thrive… I hope too that we may create.
From that poor dear child that reminds himself that he is wound like a thread through a shared destiny and fate that is beyond his own control.
Robert James Koyich