CHAPTER FIVE – I Will Not Find Natalie, Neither Should She Find Me.
January 1st 2017 @ 9:31 PM. I made this part of the book with a clear conversation with the person I love the most that I yet know. I use it as penance for my thoughts, my depraved actions, and my insidious intents. I will not seek out Natalie, and neither should she seek me.
The past decade(s) have been a substantial part of my journey and it’s astonishing to think of how much time I have spent thinking about her. She is no good for me, and I am absolutely not good for her. I accept full ownership of how (and what) I’ve written about her through the years, and I know the things I’ve said and written are etched in time to be viewed by others. Not healthy. Not good. Not proper. I shall not seek her out.
The psychology of my mind has been one to reach out and dream for amazing things. She too is NOT one to be earned. We saw in this book that I have become aware of obsessive tendencies and behaviours while neglecting the most primary delusion and infatuation. I am sorry for focusing so strongly on you through the years, and will not direct myself towards you, Ms. Imbruglia.
My delusions have run deep and as a full thread through my works. It was my Dad who told me today (after reading the first few chapters of Searching for Tomorrow) that I was still on about the dream, and I agree that it’s released. I am alone. I am okay with this. I enter into a new moment at a place I’ve been so many times, and I think back to how I was after a conversation with Elysia the morning after releasing the first book. Freedom.
After a conversation with Elysia after releasing Finding Natalie, I had thrown the dream away again that morning and felt emotionally, mentally, and spiritually free of the shackles. I shall not be chained again.
I’ve written about Freedom Solutions. One’s Freedom Solution is when they have achieved full freedom, and I note I’ve used the financial portion of that as the focal point. The idea of how and what people would and will do with financial freedom. We also know that money is only one part of life’s equation (and one I’ve focused on too often). There are other freedoms… Freedoms of emotion, spirit, time. A release of one thing may give way for a recuperation of another.
I also shall quit smoking this year (2017). I don’t know how I will, though I shall.
I’ve been so focused on money and resources that I’ve neglected many people, and also, so so dearly, my own health. From Lewis’ interview with Jack Canfield, I also note I’m gaining awareness of how I will be changing in the coming months, and from the day four exercise of the Ten Day Transformation, know I have achieved more in the past few years than the years prior. I also know I have a very long ways to go.
Today I claimed my own emotional freedom. The layer of a clear exhalation while not even quite feeling full fear as to what the consequences shall be. (Gabby Bernstein “The Universe has Your Back!!”). In the past weeks, I had started changes to my life. Incremental points of improvement (James Altucher and 1% a day improvement). I also must remember to not be too self-focused and to shut people out (though also need to focus for my own process). The many layers of lessons and advice that puddle into this.
The idea that I’m always near the beginning, for I have often forgotten what I have done. We each find peace, even if it is different for each of us.
I yield to the forces of fate that we help create. I wield the keys like the C’s that connect too well to the G’s. I’ll have revealed the breeze to keep calm and warm under palm trees. I will release those things that serve me no longer, without shutting people out from my own reactivity.
It’s a weird and wonderful thing. Knowing that I don’t need anyone to complete me and that there are so many wondrous and subtle (and sometimes bold) influences that guide the selection of even one single word. The addition of one letter, the subtraction of despair. The granting and gifting of infinite life. I feel like getting poetic and to write in rhyme, though know that language forms without a tapestry of sound. The ideas that free us each of our shackles. The idea that I remind myself to stay fully away.
I need to do this… To write. And explicitly to Natalie to clear and purge the decades of issues I may have caused. This is also for my own self to put into words ideas and thoughts that I’ve yet to share and form. I am firstly sorry for focusing on you (even with this chapter) though it is good for many more than a few.
I had soul stalked you. I had put too much focus on you with my thoughts, my written and recorded material, and so very much more by talking about you to and with others. I had obsessed upon the idea and thought to meet, and I also know that I am not good for you and your life. There is nothing that I can do to rewind and undo what I have done. There is only what I may do in the future that shall not be like the past.
I am sorry for making you the pinnacle of my wants and fantasies, and I am sorry for not knowing sooner that my actions were totally inappropriate. I had refused to heed the good advice of my Dad and many other people to not think of you, and I am glad to know you ARE free to do what YOU want to do. I am sorry, Natalie, and ask for your forgiveness, even if you are not able to grant it to me.
And then back to others?
This is the first day of the New Year. For myself, I use a word to represent what my intent is for the year. This year (2017) I chose the word ‘Restoration’. Restoration is (at the point this was written) the 11th R of PLU8R. For me, the word this year is needed for and from myself for others and myself.
I require restoration of the balance of life. I commit to assisting the restoration of freedom and correctly place PLU8R into the future events. I commit to claiming responsibility for my actions (past, present, and future) and note that I have many reparations to be made.
I commit to regathering my own integrity and health, and I will nurture, nourish, and kindle hope, truth, and light in the lives of myself and others.
This journey has been a long one. I carry a great deal of emotional and soulful wreckage and shrapnel from the damage that I have done to myself, and others, through the years. A shift in intent and attitude must be renewed daily, and I commit to the process.
Wishing also to not make too many declarations. Some thoughts skittle away into the things that I forgot to say.
We learn. We live. We love. We pray.
We create. We thrive. We hope. We play!
The facts of forever and a day found today to have been the first day, with forever to follow. I could rewind and delete the first two books in this series from the world. I choose not to. I have heard advice that some things should be put up and out into the world to be viewed as they are. The first two books are fragments of time that have been shed to the past. The future ever emerging as what is now then again now then again.
I thank God and all forces alive for allowing me to thrive! I thank my own self for starting to restore and recover my own shred of self, woven delicately into the tapestry of time. I AM too self-focused. I AM still an only child (and almost ONLY a child). I AM glad to have known now that forever has already happened.
Dreams shift. Dreams change. The one static and always thing of our lives is ourselves. We may be totally different people than what we started as, though it’s also kind of cool to think that we have been these people (our own selves) for the entirety of anything we can or ever will remember. We will ALWAYS be ourselves, even to the point of us never being at all!
I love life. I want to live life. I want to thrive and treasure and share!! I want to be there for my mother, et aussi mon père aimé! The lines of Natalie shed from my soul may not be clear to some with what I’ve formed. The notion that I heard from another is that people will remember who they thought we are, even if we have become something else. I’m inclined to think that we also may not yet be known for that we’ve yet to become.
Lewis!!! Thank you for the facts that the three truths are different for each of us. I also am glad you hopefully know that the truths also will shift and change for your guests between different fragments of time. My truths shift also. What I obsessively thought was ‘forever’ was never even found, and it’s odd to know I’m okay with that.
Freedom solutions are different too for each. Some may wish to learn, develop, and grow. Those people too may wish to teach and share and sow! The ideas of greatness are not something that I fully comprehend, though I hope the basic human intuition that others have is that they know when they have found it. Even if recognized, what shall have been disguised in the calamity of the world’s heart?
I know not the plan and the plot at this juncture. The phone just reminded me of my bedtime. I made the choice to stay up late and write more an hour and a bit ago because of thinking I needed to write more. I did have that need, and now have 20 minutes before I shall be complete.
I also owe apologies to the world for not cultivating and earning my own right to be. I have lived freely, and I have made many mistakes and transgressions. I cannot claim my own actions as being right, just, or true, though glad that the world (with some help from the humans) reminds me of what I have done wrong.
I wish not to cloud other’s hearts, minds, or lungs with that that I have formed. I still have a very long way to go, and the universe reminds me that some things can be clipped short. I pray not for that to happen. For this chapter, though, I hope and pray well that enough has been said, and that we each on Earth meet our future’s many years from now, even if not the lives that we imagined or dreamed or yearned for more than a decade ago… Let it be better!
Love, light, luck, and life… Let the restoration commence!!