CHAPTER SEVEN – 12 Point Font
My intention with this book definitely shifted from wanting to write each chapter to a past friend and into another seemingly outward rambling from chapter two. Happy hippy fun days were rad, and there were some that I wanted to write to from that time other than Thea! I also wanted to go back to before then to high school and write to people like Dave Clark, Teal, and Peter Feldstein. Only one of those three friends have I spoken with after the psych ward, and he also bought a copy of Finding Natalie from CreateSpace (Thank you, Peter!!)
When I was in high school, I was not one of the cool kids, though was in a group of the ‘cool enough’ kids (link to Eric Lee “Gooood enough!”) There were some transgressions that I made in high school too by going with the crowd and following others. I don’t like what I did back then. We had all ganged up and made fun of (and ostracized) Mike Guay. Mike was a true and loyal friend to me, and I don’t know why I followed the crowd. I think maybe is that I was me trying to be cool again. Mike did nothing wrong, though my action of following the crowd and being mean was NOT cool. I’ve tried to be cool recently a bit too… doing things that I don’t want to do because another is pushing for me to do so. Peer pressure is a real thing even when I’m 38 years old!
I also wonder of the MC attempt I made. I don’t quite think it was coming from a point of wanting to be seen or thought of as cool. I have pushed my music trying for people to play it, though, in the points of Chilliwack, it’s partly so that I can form a creative income from what I’ve made. When I was in the Philippines performing, it wasn’t even for showing off for Demma (or anyone else). It was very much about the feeling and process and high from performing on stage. I loved it! It was fun!! (I add too that back then in 1999 it was before I became fearful).
Fear is a huge thing for me. It has limited me in so very many ways. I’ve been afraid of trusting people, I’ve been afraid of physical harm and death, and I really think it’s mucked up in that I haven’t been so concerned or afraid of hurting other people’s feelings. I do have (some) memories of when I was not afraid; a very good feeling. I was not afraid to rhyme on stage in the Philippines, and I also have had times where I’ve been blatantly clear of fear and trusted (and add maybe sometimes I should be more concerned).
A fear that my Dad has is of me sharing so much of myself and my information freely. An argument linked to that is that if I am going to be famous (which may happen, it may not) then I’ll be under the magnifying glass even more than when I told Trenton of that happening. I have thought that my life has been so over-observed and open to parts of the world already, that I sometimes have been frozen by fear about what to do. I want to do the right things, for the right reasons (and at the right time). This does NOT mean the right thing, at the right time, because it will make a result that is beneficial.
Manipulation is another fear I hold. The fear is that I’m being used or manipulated by other people for their gain. I also fear that I could easily meet Nat if I set my full effort towards that, though I don’t see how I benefit her. Jennifer McLean was the one that gave me the seed of how things we work towards should be good for us, good for others, and good for the world.
If I don’t even know if Natalie is good for me, then I really shouldn’t even move past that (This chapter was shifted from initially being written before chapter five to chapter seven). I think that not chasing her is good for me, and it’s probably really good for her too! If the Natalie idea is good for the world, then it’s going to involve how the world treats the dream. My delusional beliefs seem to think it’s an epic and amazing story to share, though still think I should be tentative about sharing the dream with others.
I also have Natalie fears. It links back to Thea… I had thought that I loved Thea and Demma, though if I loved them, then wouldn’t have I acted differently? With Demma, my girlfriend in the Philippines August 1999, wouldn’t have I kept in contact with her and write back after I came back to North America? If I loved her, should have I not sent her a letter or phone call? I hadn’t written back to Demma, and I think of how I damaged her heart. I thought I loved her, and I definitely didn’t act like it. This makes me think of how I speak PLU8R (the peace, love, unity, and respect credo), though even now I’m not showing the love that I claim and want to have for some.
Prayer is where I should go back to, maybe. When I pray, I often say prayers of thanks. I also have a fear that wanting things or situations for others, and praying that, that it just seems like wishful ideas or thinking. I am not God. I also think after going to Italy, that the prayer close of “In Jesus’ name, Amen” is not good. I don’t understand how anyone can have the audacity to wield a prayer and claim that God should answer it (for we DON’T have the authority of Jesus). We are NOT Jesus, and if I ask Him (or God) for something, why would Jesus make my prayers an actual thing?!?! Jesus is not one for us to wield. Jesus is one to honour. (Maybe then twisting how prayer may be a wish that Jesus will petition to God on our behalf). Jesus, can you help me too, please?
I ask that I may be directed by what my heart has selected while having us protected and aligned to help and work with and for God. I ask for the help to grow from a Whelp to a Shivan, yet as living now, I am just a kid who’s hid the bid to let the lids open and stop the top and let us drop some ice into the drink.
I’m terrified of my own happiness! I carry a fear that if I am happy or glad that I will be smacked down to fear or be smote for carrying a note. I wrote about addiction in the second chapter, though focused very much on cigarettes. If this book is to be a partial repentance for my actions, then should I be covert or overt with the imaginations that have drawn my soul into how I know (for some things) I have no control. Yet is teaching to be my role?
Mr. Yeskee! So many of his jokes have carried into my life from when he was my math teacher in high school. The main saying that I think of is the My House on Little Prairie comment of “Meanwhile back at the ranch!” I have used that saying a bunch in the past few years, and it’s become relevant. This saying has personal meaning for me regarding a location in Italy that I intend on returning to. I also note of how now (when I wrote this) of a friend in Alberta and how that little house needs protection and safety too, please! (Amen).
Back to prayer, I haven’t yet been fully able to claim myself as Christian. I do know that God is a very real thing, and in the points of writing Searching for Tomorrow, I wrote about how I thought God was very angry with me. It reminds me that humans too should be honoured, and not just God. What is the term for those that believe in God, though don’t have full faith (or understanding) of Jesus? Is that just ‘a believer’!? (I was later told that they’re deists). I also want to tend to some ideas for the sprites!
Sapphire Sprite!! I wrote a full chapter to you in the first book, Finding Natalie, and the recording I made for you was on the computer. I thank you for being a friend, yet I don’t know how to tend you. I cannot make much sense (or share love and care) very well when the only way we can communicate is Facebook. I love the phone! (I can’t phone you). I like conversations with people (yet you won’t meet up). I’ve had issues of the dove and how some may be trying to lure me into the view of skipping Sarah back to True to ensure that I don’t have to battle the hydra too!
Emerald Sprite!! I’ve not talked with you in a long time either. We’ve not had a conversation OR a Facebook chat in a few months. You got married, and for that I’m glad, and I also wonder why so many squishy hugs when you were hooked up already. I send you a great deal of love and luck and am glad that you have your company to work with, and that you know how to thrive and care and also make sure that the rhymes are kept to share. Sorry for focusing on you too much, though I do wish you PLU8R!! You’ll always be cared for by the Universe.
Pearl Sprite!! You messaged earlier today, though I didn’t follow up very well. You’re a real cutie too, and I note you’ve found your guy also! For you, I send you homage and a kind smile from a creep that knows the next Sprite I write to also owns a Jeep! I’d love to meet up for coffee and a chat to hear and see you again, and hope that your heart is guarded, tended to, and happy, glad, and content with the life you have formed. I liked it a lot when we’d chat at Clouda’s and am a bit sad we’ve distanced from our (even then) rare contact points.
Ruby!?!? Thank you!!! You actually visit my home and WILL have coffee and conversations with me! The music playing also was relevant in that it mentioned a trigonometry term, and I note that you’re rocking it well at school! I like your devotion to your process and also like how you do have a conflict between people and school as commitments (because it shows your school AND people matter a lot to you). I will sell more of your crads, and thank you too for asking for the first two books to read! I hope they tear your heart up like a point of blue!
Jet Sprite… I send you homage (and hopefully a full set of books too). You’re one of my most favourite aunts because you will actually have a conversation with me! I like how Bonnie and Judy will send me birthday and Christmas cards, though I am almost angry sad that I can’t actually talk with them on the phone. I also will not have a pity party, so please remind me that we will meet with Chris and Jacquie again.
Yet what of the Diamond?!!? Is that how this blends? From friends to the delusion that wants to prove to me that my feelings are an illusion?! I dare not blend it, though she is so super rad and cute!!
Then my fears of misinterpretation filter in. That is one thing of speaking in code. If I use terms or words that people don’t know, then it’s sometimes written off as nonsense or babble. That may be alright in some cases, though if I want to be understood, I should use plain language.
When at SFU during my last semester there, I had been attending a class at the downtown campus. I don’t recall what the class was, though it was during that semester that I started to really form some of the foundational blocks of the codes I use.
I recall forming the turtle code with an extension from a film history class. The idea was that the two primary turtles were Leonardo talking to Donatello. The third (on screen) was Raphael, and every person sitting in a chair in the audience was a Michelangelo. Small fragments of truth are hidden even in the use (or lack) of one letter in a word. An example is that I spelled Michelangelo as ‘Michaelangelo’. When we realize then that Mikey’s are cooler since there is no ‘A’ in the real spelling.
I haven’t hand written lines or code in a long time. Using a blank piece of paper (or a blank page in a notebook) some people can form such amazing ideas or works of art (drawing/painting). My art and craft are the use of words, though are formed one letter after the next. One upside about using a digital device to type is that it’s an exceptionally efficient eraser and spell check. The luxury of being able to edit (and stitch in moments of time and rhyme) into a linear series of text is also pretty cool.
If I am to earn my income through bookwork and music, then I also am glad and grateful for the fact that I have access to a computer and the Internet. Saddened then that some people don’t have the technology to use to develop a creative profession. I don’t want to write about homelessness and hunger because I feel sad that I can’t do anything about it, yet.
There is a teetering boundary between doing good things for good results, and doing good things because they are good things. Again intent is crucial. I should more often think about why I’m doing things, and also what I intend on doing.
(And then continuing a few days later)
I may be too lax with how I treat some people. There are some that I will let do what they do without stepping in and telling them not to. There are some things I will not tolerate, though I think that letting people ‘do what they do’ is a good thing… sometimes.
I also have written that I want to help coach people and build lives. This may mean voicing my concerns for their lives, and I also twist how I don’t like being told what to do. The lack of knowing another person’s correct actions are also something that may twist how I don’t want to be judgmental of other’s lives. What is good for me might not be good for them. Then again, I also don’t know fully how I can respond by telling another not to do something. Even when I think something is a bad idea, I have fear about telling another to stop, partly because I don’t want to control them.
Though, should I step up and speak my honest beliefs?! When others have told me that I should quit smoking, I have gotten defensive and pissed off at them. Even if the person is coming from a point of care, I still have reacted negatively. I think I am afraid to tell another to not do things because it’s their life. Is it also a point of me not having enough care for the other by allowing them to do what they want to do? There is a very teetering balance of letting people live the lives they’re living and helping them form good choices (that they very well may not want to make).
12 (Love-True) Point (Mana) Font (how the words are formed).
Should I tell the other person to stop doing what they’re doing? Should I push at them (the way that others pushed at me) to stop their doings? It’s not my life. Where do I have the right to tell them I think they should adjust? Even if I am coming from a point of wanting good for them (and their family) I still fear that pushing my opinion will piss them off. It links again back to that idea of fear being the limiting factor, and also that by passively letting them do what they do, they may damage their own life. I think I should let them know what they’re doing is a bad idea, though how can I do that? I suppose we’ll find out soon enough (and remember how I’m still chained to the ciggies puff after puff).
Please pull this prayer into your being for them.
Let them be with their family here on Earth. Let them find happiness and safety and even value in their own worth. Let them find a sober scale and let Grover clear the sail that they may live life fully, and completely, without having to be one to that will find themselves or others to flail.
Keep safe dear lovestone… There is only one of you, and there are some people that need you a lot!