CHAPTER NINE – A Fragment of Intent
Okay, so two days ago (January 29th, 2017) I became clear on the audiences for the book work. I found that the Fountains books (this one, Finding Natalie, and Searching for Tomorrow) do have a very closed audience. The people that read these books are those that are interested or intrigued by my long term story and process towards my Freedom Solution. Though that audience is tiny at this point, it’s good to know. If you are reading this book, you are giving me a great gift in making the effort (or having the interest) to follow my journey. I also know that with such a small audience, that I should not focus too much marketing effort for the Fountains books, and that the books add depth to myself and my life by forming and sharing them.
The third book that I released, Shared Node, also doesn’t have (at this time) a wide promotional audience either. The book is more of an art piece and a way for people to play with reality through reading it. I have had difficulty selling copies of the book, partly because I do seem to not be clear on how it benefits a reader. I seem to think the book more as a novelty piece and note that part of the value it holds is for the introversial genre on its own. The book will have a lot of value to me in that with my own copy of the book, I can read and delve deeper into my own mind and how it’s linked to others with my flowetics.
I want to create works that have a more solidified purpose, and I think I have that with another book in mid-form; Fractured Formation. The Fountain books do have chapters directed at different people, though Fractured Formation is a more cohesive work designed for a specific audience. The book is only part way started, though I am clear the book is for people that are new to the psych ward. It’s formed as a sort of self-help or guidebook for those who are at that point of change in their life. My lack of structure you’ve seen in this book (From the Valley to the Fountain) allows a freedom of expression, though it may be too scattered to hold an attentive interest. I hope to be more clear (and helpful) with Fractured Formation.
Three weeks ago, I met with a friend at my home for our first focus session. By the end of the session, we had set 5 goals each to accomplish by the next meeting two weeks later. We met again the next week, and progress was made. We then set another four to five things to complete before our next meeting (which is tomorrow) and I have concerns about my progress. Although I did form some forward motion, the list almost became a task list that I didn’t have heart behind and with. It makes me think of a comment from one of my least favorite people “Progress, not perfection.” The four goals/tasks that I set last week have resulted in the generation of forward motion (getting a chapter done for a book, and also expanding my goals (and plans to achieve those goals)), though I’m still struggling with completion!
It brings me back to the idea of the Freedom Solution and the combination of effort and work towards the solution, and not just checking off the items on the list. Some people have said that if we’re doing what we want to do (and are happy) that that’s winning. Simple as that… One’s Freedom Solution is being able to do what we want to do, with who we want to do it, and also when (and where) we want to do it.
My task list would say that I need to be working on Fractured Formation, though I don’t want to push of force the process. Getting things done is crucial, though if doing things because we HAVE to, not WANT to, may result in sub-par work or product. Inspiration should (I think) not be forced. I do believe in the value of setting goals (and committing to working towards them) though the Freedom Solution also includes being glad to be doing what we are to do to achieve the future.
I do note, also, that I may also be too accepting and not pushing well enough for the future that I want. The level of knowing I have a decent situation and not pushing for an even better one is something to think of. Maybe my mind and attitude are off and askew for not setting a higher intent for myself and what I want to do and be. I don’t want to just be scattering seeds into the wind. I want to grow things and cultivate growth in my life and my garden (and also help others tend theirs). I have said I want to plough the fields for combined yields, yet maybe I am sewing the wrong seeds.
The focus and development of Fractured Formation has function and purpose, yet if I’m just writing in the book for the sake of creating a chapter because it’s a time deadline, and not because it’s meant and actually going to help one to read it, then is that not just creating for the sake of creating!?!? It reminds me of what I wrote down (and think I’ve mentioned in this book too) “I want my works to have meaning, value, and purpose, and not just be a monetary gain for myself.”
The twists and turns of why and what I’m doing, and for who.
(near 24 hours later, I resumed)
So, as fact, I did this morning get the additional chapter of Fractured Formation written. It carried well… This makes me think of how we sometimes will naturally complete some of our goals if we write them down. I didn’t force the process of the chapter, and though it may need some revision and restructuring, the block of idea and text is now written. The book (up to now) has seven short five page chapters.
Though I’m not financially secure or stable when I write this, I have made some good progress. The fact that I’m not personally living a fully stable and solid life financially reminds me that I have further to go before sharing a lot of life advice. I still have a lot to learn and develop before I can write books that will give a structured guideline of how to be prosperous. I’ve not figured it out yet, and note I’ve heard the advice that we need to know and have found our own stability before holding up (some) others. If people blend into my life and process as we find our Freedom Solutions, we can work alongside each other towards the future. I just can’t tell you what the path will have fully been yet.
I have, though, passed from being a psych ward patient to living in a group home to having my own apartment and a full-time job. I have passed quite a few checkpoints that I can describe HOW I passed them. I may not be a professional expert, though I have gained a lot of experience with life through my own recovery. So while I can’t quite be a business or relationship expert by experience, I do have some knowledge and advice that can help some other people closer to the beginnings of their journeys.
(Insert another four days between sections)
Due to a few different things that are nagging my mind, I have some debris that I’d like to clear. I slept well last night… I have been shoveling snow for the past three days (77cm fell within 72 hours) and that’s a great thing for me. The money that I’m earning will be used well to repay myself from sminking from my Freedom Fund. Money issues also have been hounding me, even when not my own. I am to make contact with a friend today (and almost would prefer not to) that I’ve had issues with through the years. I’m not clear, yet, how to convey to them an understanding of MY viewpoint, and perchance they never will understand my position.
Because it’s been snow removal for the past three days (and potentially today and tomorrow also) I’ve not been focused on book work or future planning or sight. I did get 2x documents printed that carry some of my main life goals, and I remind myself to review them more often. Some of my goals seem quite outlandish right now, though linked from Christy (Whitman) I shall set my intent and align with my higher purpose. I found that the Seed Funds are still a strong idea, and there is the case I will be able to work well with them. I also want to process more (in conversation, not typing) about how the funds will be used, and to ensure they are a benefit, and not seen as a smink point.
For today, the forecast says that there shouldn’t be much snow. That gives me the space of time to write more today, and I have an idea to write outwards to Esper as they’re one that I’ve had a lot of negative feelings and thoughts about. I don’t want to embarrass them, though, and think of Finding Natalie and what I wrote to Elysia. I think I was a bit harsh to/about Elysia in Finding Natalie, and maybe should be a bit more private with what I write. I’m thinking to get this chapter complete today, and to form an additional one, though I have more reading I’d like to do soon. I’m into chapter eight in The School of Greatness and want to get further into The Success Principles by Jack Canfield also. I also now remind myself too that my own book(s) are my way to process and track my journey!! Even if not to sell mad amounts of copies of this (or the other Fountains books). I’m shall puddle with them towards the future! (Add a few hours between paragraphs)
Chapter eight of The School of Greatness (and the conclusion) were completed. Thank you, Lewis!! I will want to read the book through again! One of my goals (Recreation-2) is to have read 20x books read by January 19th, 2018 with a long term goal of 500 read books in the Glass House library also (noting that includes a few many I’ve already read through the past few years).
I also was reminded by The School of Greatness that my intents and ideas of wanting to give back to the world also need not be monetary. For Esper, I’ve not been happy with them asking for resources, though I can give to them by being a kind support, and also by helping them find their own path (even if NOT to provide them with money or cigarettes)
I guess the title of the chapter became clear now (11:02 PM February 7, 2017). The fragments of time that share what I intend on doing. I have the idea for the follow-up book to this one now, and the concept of how it will be made is forming. The idea (as of now) is to hold 15-20 people in the book and for me to divulge my full intents with the people I write to in the book. I’ve not chosen who I’ll write to yet, though a few names link. I can write a lot to and about Dan Delleman and Felicia. I will need to get permission from the people to write to them, and although I have thoughts of another I have a lot to relay onto, I don’t want to crap all over some people.
This book (when I had the idea for it) was to write to 15 people from my pre-Vancouver life. I thought of some past best friends (Peter Feldstein, Brent Ross, Chris Plemel (I may have forgotten to add Dave Clark)). I also wanted to write to some past loves; Demma, Tracy, Teal, and (as I started the book) Thea. This then twists to life advice about how if we start something, and it doesn’t go fully according to plan, that a good work (this book) may still be formed by putting effort towards the project. Even as suggested by some (like Thaddeus (chapter three of this book)) that I should form more structure to my work, I do get the value in that idea. My music doesn’t have a structure like rap music (another reason I don’t classify it so), though, for Fractured Formation, more structure is being used to make sense to a wider and more focused audience.
My genre of Introversial is not very marketable at this point, though I also don’t want to diminish the worth and abstract quality that it does hold. Though I’m not totally following patterns or templates for my work (like the structured rhymes in rap (or the systematic structure of a more digestible book)) I note that’s where I also will not abuse my right to form what I want (the creative freedom I’ve sometimes asserted). For this book, we’re up to 47 pages now with the first two books at 64-68 pages. I will set this book to be 64+ pages again like the first two. An intent, though, with this book is to have two releases with it.
The first two books are separate items online now, and this one will be up for a solitary purchase also, though I want to blend the Fountains books in a trinal form. What I mean by a trinal form is that three things combined as one. This book will be available as an individual item, though I also am going to have a release of the first three books all combined into one printed item. Is that where it’s Fragments of Intent?! Like, in the past four paragraphs as they formed started with explaining a chapter title, and then sharing ideas for another book, and then twisted the title of that book into the idea of the first three Fountains books being puddled into one. The idea of how so many changes and twists between sentences and ideas are woven into this tattered tapestry.
So, yeah… I will write a fourth book (with the intent to write to 15 different current friends) though please forgive me for shifting and zigging and zagging so much. Though I want to be (and am in some ways) a set, solid, true, and fortified Shoulsman, the flux and variations of my own text and thought are like Ashley’s tattoo! (I then had the idea to give some precursor in this book as to planning the next project (Rob!!! One thing at a time!!))
How can I be so waffly and using these secret tactics while so overtly and neurotically revealing things that should be hidden by the midden of my work?!?! Like, I could reveal all of my secrets to the world, though have been told to not be so overt. I want to have nothing to hide, yet must withhold some things that are other’s secrets. If I write to people and reveal my feelings and reactions to their behaviors, then they may not like that I talk about them in a book. The twist is that the books will probably not have a wide audience (because they’re all about me and my life (of which I think few will want to read into)) though what if I reveal things of people (like my comments of Elysia in Finding Natalie) and the result is them being affected negatively.
There IS a delicate balance of sharing the whole ball of wax and also keeping respect for others and their privacy, emotions, and hearts. Like, is it that I should heed (I think I should) from talking so much about the things in my life? My Dad would say I have shared way too much, though the twist of me is then to the fact I wish not to act from fear, yet have been told to be wary of consequences. I think that’s where there is the teetering balance of being wise. Wisdom: the quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgment; the quality of being wise.
I continue to learn. And that leads to the next chapter.