CHAPTER THIRTEEN – Who Are You Again?!?!
Okay, you best have read the first three books. This may be something entirely needed (for you and me). If you have chosen to be my girlfriend, there’s a whole bunch of stuff that you need to know. Reading through the first three fountains (and maybe not even Shared Node too) you will have learned a lot about me. Even though I’ve written and said so much about so many things, I am really a simple person. I did fall head over heels for Natalie near two decades ago, and from reading this book, you can tell I’m a flustercluck of a whole bunch of weird and messed up things. Know, though, that if I did accept you, we’re on a pretty cool and groovy course.
I have zero ideas who you are right now. As I write this, I don’t even want to think of gals names so that I can focus on writing to you. Mon petite amie! Sei una amica che sappia amore!! I have a few ideas for us, though this will require an amazing amount of love, luck, effort, and global support. I also really hope you don’t want to smoke cigarettes.
Though we’ve yet to go on our first date, I hope that we can have some guiding moments that will lead us to the future. Since I directed this chapter to you, my girlfriend, I also have a fear that you will not be the only one. I haven’t been out on a date for quite a few years (other than Elysia (and one other lovestone)). I also really hope that statement doesn’t hurt Felicia’s feelings. Felicia is an amazing lovestone, yet I still don’t think of her as a potential girlfriend. Ruby holds a lot of lovable characteristics, though so so young and should not be bound to me so she may be free as a lark too.
Then I kind of do think of mentioning other gals names, though to let you know who you will not be. You will not be Ms. Steadman, even though I love her a lot. Jenn and I would never form well as partners. She has her life with Matthew and Rubbles and it’s not my wanting to have the three of them as family members. I am searching for a family. Elysia was a strong lure as her daughter has already passed the diaper stage (and can actually talk and have a conversation), though I know Elysia and I’s worlds should not combine in full union.
I also am pretty sure you don’t work at Starbucks! The female baristas at Starbucks are pretty cool, though as of when written, I don’t think of them as potential mates. Yes, some are attractive, though they also are helping me with respect lessons. The reminder to not check out gals all over the place if I’m to be a class act. I like how some of them are kind and welcoming to me with their attitudes, though I also must remember which side of the counter I’m on and to not try to chat trap any of them.
I think of my FB friends too. I’m not clear if you’re one of them yet. My secret hope is that we’ve yet to meet, and I have this layer of wonder if you’ve known about me already, and I just don’t yet know yet about you. I have a weird belief that quite a few people know of me while I am oblivious to them. I’m not very aware sometimes, and I think back to when I landed in Chilliwack and the thoughts at the SaveOnFoods the first time I shopped there in 2002. I heard all sorts of voices that seemed to allude that I would be very well known.
I’m also pretty clear that you won’t be Natalie. I hope for that, almost. No… It must be that it’s not her. I wrote about how I’m afraid to have given up the dream about her, and if you have read the books, you know how much of a part of me THAT story is. I am still a bit of a wreck from that saga. This will need to be a conversation that WE have so that I can process it properly. Having only my computer to type on to process is NOT enough of a way to purge her from me (and we need not go Marvin Gay… I’m not just looking for sex).
Wait… I can tell you anything with this chapter! Who are you!?!? Why did you choose me? Is it just for one quality, or are there ‘ands’. Am I one that you were afraid to contact? Was it you or me that initiated our first contact? When will you have read this!?!!? (Are you even in the town that I live in!??!)
I’m going to add a poem to the end of this book that I wrote in 2002. It’s one called Twelve Candles. I sent a copy of the poem to my Mom, she sent it to her friend Susan-Marie, and Susan-Marie framed it and sent a copy to my Mom. I now have that framed version. I typed the poem into this file just then, and it will close this book.
When I was writing this, the Kickstarter was at $110 pledged. I teeter on the bounds of foolishness so often. Not too often, maybe just often enough. The thought also that maybe my girlfriend (you) will be one who learns about me from reading these books. Maybe it is my art that will have found the one of whom shall want to call me her own! If you met me through these books, and haven’t met me yet in person, then this moment of now could find the thread have lined the plough into some jest about how I don’t know what is stressed. It’s 4:58 AM now, and maybe there is some epicness to this. Or I’m just another drop in the puddle. Time will only tell when we fall into a cuddle.
If you are to be my girlfriend, you should be warned of some things. I am boring. I get very self-focused and also oppositely over focused on the ones that I like and love. I haven’t had a real girlfriend for almost all of my life. I’m not very good at sex. I am terrified of being a non-smoker (and really may set a deal-breaker of you having to be a non-smoker). My creative works are pinnacle to who I am, yet I still want to have purpose (and think if I do find the Glass House that I’ll want to share that with you too!) With my obsessive nature, be expected to (please) ask me to relax and spend quality time with you. Also (and please don’t use this against me too often) I will probably do almost anything you ask of me. I will maintain my own truths and prerogatives, and I am one who likes to hear others a lot, though can talk a lot too.
I am forgetful. I also hold my tongue (and mind) a lot. I secretly love hearing people complain about others (and will stand up for some that I like and love) and I still have this weird f@&d up sense of thought that really drags at the back of my own self. I am a fool. I know not (for this book) much else of what to say. I quit way too early (and will always start up again).
Please let me know and learn how to love again. It’s not been easy.
That sad ol’ depraved pup named Nanaki will never know that he’s forgotten eternally by those that may hate or wish ill. Just remember that I don’t have Netflix yet, though for some disco smarties (like you!) I’m down to chill.
I pray well I learn again how to love, and that it will be, even if when I wrote I had no idea (specifically) that it would be you.
Twelve candles lit the room
Dreams to be her groom
Though she now seeing another man
Perchance though God still has a plan
Unknown what is to be
She is so much to me
My heart trapped in loving her
What is meant for sure?
Is she pure?
Time must always occur
Eleven candles lit
Trying to extinguish the fire
Genuine desire of truth
Then seated at a booth
The tenth candle from sight retreated
This mystery needs no sleuth
Destiny rolls the dice
Trapped by my own device
Love something without price
Though will she attain it, my life
Would she be my wife
Eight candles lit the room
When the child fell from womb
Greeted by light and cold
Brought into the world by purpose
You deserve this
If only I could kiss you into bliss
The breath breathes out the fire
Two rekindled fires
Three candles now expire
The numbers shift like a time rift
My heart the only gift
As the room darkens
The soul awakens.
Embers of my sleep
Alive in sandals.
Walking through the flow
The subtle glow
Will you ever know?
To know your one true love
A metamorph held above
It is you I know not of
Four candles lit the room
Should you know or is it too soon
Riding a harpoon to June
Fires dancing round
The pen and breath the sound
Until I transform in leap and bound
The third candle drowned
Two fires burning within
I still must shed my fear and sin
Afraid to let you in
For an eternal life may begin
I know you not.
Yet it is I you have caught
One candle lights the room
A dream trapped forever in my mind a tomb
Let the kind resume
And now the light is gone
Robert James Koyich – 2002