Fields of Formation – Chapter Seven – A Beautiful Idea

CHAPTER SEVEN – A Beautiful Idea

(A chapter written to and for myself to bring some hope back into my heart)

You have put in decades of effort.  The work you do, you know most people don’t seem to value at this point.  The ideas cycle and repeat sometimes, though that may be because the lessons need to be learned again.  Give yourself some patience!  Give yourself some compassion!

I am glad that you started Beautiful, Do You Mind?.  The book is forming well, and I know that there are some great insights that you will share that will help others too.  In that book, you have acknowledged some of your own faults, though the ideas and ethics of knowing what is good for your own (and other’s) relationships will be helpful.  I am glad you have made the choice to work on the book, and I also am glad you’re pushing your comfort zones to expand outwards.

This book (and the Fountains series books) also hold value, though I thank you for letting them be put up and out without marketing them now so much.  As you’ve seen with yourself (and others) it’s very difficult to gain interest in what’s said or shared when it’s so much about the person sharing what is formed.  Your awareness that so very few people will actually care enough to read (even) free copies of the books is a great thing to know so you can form other works.

Thank you also for not giving up!

When you wrote this, Rob, you were really pissed off and despondent about what you’ve done and how little you’d achieved.  I know that even twenty sales of a book over the course of six months are not enough to form a living wage from.  Think not of the monetary value of what you have earned up to writing this, though think of the insights and clarity of your being (mind, spirit, heart, soul) that you’ve gained through forming these books!!  You have evolved a very long ways and have explored quite a few things openly that some people would never reveal.  Some (like your Dad) may think that is foolish, some may think it courageous, though I see it as you (still) purging your inner angst and secrets to allow yourself the power to not have to hide things.  Thank you!!

I’m also glad that you have remembered to breathe.  You have remembered to slow down, to pause and make sure what you are saying is true (and helpful), and I also know you have become less judgmental and controlling.  There are still quite a few things and people that piss you off, though I know we’re still in the process of shedding some of our own points of pissing off others too.  Your wish and desire to be kind, and your faith (and knowing) that you do put in a great effort (even if others don’t notice or believe) will keep yourself moving towards the future.

I do encourage you to keep pushing your own comfort zone.  Your growth is not easy, though I still wish and hope it will be a great benefit, and not just for yourself.  I hope you will bridge and bond ideas and connections with and for people that will improve people’s lives.  Even if, now, the books are not being consumed by many people, please do not give up!!  I have said I’m patient, yet I must remind myself it is still less than one year since the first book.  Some things do happen magically, though also remember that you’ve done so much on your own and that there are other people that want you to thrive also!  Do not discount the fact that your impact of heart need not come in the form of monetary gain.

Remember also that you are still not doing a lot of things when you catch yourself and become aware they are for your own benefit.  I also remind you to pray more often.  I remind you to slow down, take a few breaths, pause your nervous energy, and that sometimes that we do need to stop and restart.  Not all trains head to the right destination.  Sometimes stopping and getting off a train will let us get on the correct one for us to travel.

Thank you also for remembering your Dad and your Mom.  They have helped you in so many ways, and I want to remind you to more often take interest in them and also share your appreciation of and for them more clearly.  Your Mom has been so very patient with you (as has your Dad) and they both have given you space and encouragement to pursue your dreams.  You know you will make good work of those dreams, just hope a little less and believe a little more.  You know your work does have value… People will learn that as time progresses.

Thank you also for making up for your mistakes often when you make them.  I am a very flawed human being, though I’m also glad that there are parts of ourselves that are vitally true and good.  Do not be so reluctant to think that your ideas do have merit.  I still think you discount yourself a bit much.  Maybe you have written yourself off, sometimes, by the projected opinion that others don’t care or value you.  Don’t be defiant and claim it doesn’t matter what people think.  I know you are considerate often about what you do so that you won’t affect others negatively.  Just don’t be so afraid that you don’t reach out to some you like and love.

It’s been a long journey.  I know you carry a few many years of exhaustion.  Remember to take a day off and, as recommended by an amazing friend today, go for a walk about.  Tomorrow, you can make the one task of getting the envelope to the post office, and then, just wander.  You’ve been neurotically wandering through the past few months, though don’t bring your backpack.  Just load up some music onto your phone, go to the river path, go wherever you want to go with zero effort on producing books, sharing materials, or even checking the phone.  Take a free day.  You need it.

June 26th, 2017 @ 10:58 PM… I will continue after my free day.

June 29th, 2017 @ 10:40 PM… A reminder… Shoulsmen are so many and so few.

Keep clear in your mind some of your own positive secrets.  Some of the information you will come to know may need to be hidden and kept from the minds, even the thoughts, from some people.  Intellect and deceit are blue mage skills, and though I want to remind you if you keep your heart and intents true, sometimes your ability to shield others from some things will be very valuable (and maybe needed).  Also remember to cherish, honour, and reward those that are true and are real with you.

Braden!!  Why should I hold down ‘Y’?!?!?!  (Sometimes walking slow (or stopping) is crucial).  NOT IN MARIO ROB!!!  (The game of life!)  Time to put on the cap!

Some just want to smash the box, some just want to dodge bullets, some claim to be able to fly (and then lose their magic and fall from the sky), and some just try to treat others like Yoshi.

And near two hours later, I continued.

I am such a fool!  The pattern of the past two hours has puddled me back to the keys.  WHY!?!!?  No pity party… I’m neurotic.  I keep getting involved in situations that lead me from happy positive and good to points of self-hate and disbelief that I will ever be okay with myself.  I don’t like these shifts.

I tumble down the rabbit hole of my soul with control of the few things that hold me over the loom with strings of thought that others may have forced me to have brought.  I attempt to gather my composure.

The fragments of my paranoia, a want to blame my medication, and my assured belief that I am exceptionally misunderstood (even by my own self) find me psychoanalyzing myself and reverting to self-explanation and poor-me behaviours.  Where I was veered off course from a message by a gal that I’d love to interact with, and then isolation and my own fears and doubt in myself, I found to know that I am on course of the things that remind me to wish for God and the support of Saturn’s rings.

When I took 50xp on DuoLingo, that was near where the trigger of my inward downward spiral of extreme doubt happened.  The lesson used the phrase ‘morte in decembre’ which means ‘he dies in December’.  This one line cued me to think that I am false and that people want to kill me.  The idea that others hate me floods my own self, though I deflect it with my own will to know I still am alive.  I cannot control, even, myself, so what does happen if the world wants me to die?  I don’t know.

One coping mechanism is to just focus on what I’m glad for, and I know that I am very fortunate.  That twists in the fear of envy of others for hating me because I have a good life.  It doesn’t (that I’m aware of) matter if I like or love others (and them) for having great things, good lives, or situations that I’m happy they have.  I twisted then into the Facebook twister of self-hate and closed the site after realizing there are a lot of people that I wish not to feel bad, mad, or sad that I’ve not messaged them.

I have an extreme fear too of people disliking me because I’ve neglected them, and then wonder, now, why would people not message me first!??!!?  Why should I place upon myself massive amounts of guilt, shame, and self-loathing for the fact that others have reciprocated fully in not messaging me first!?  I know that there are very few who message me, and I accept that, though why should I be the one that people hate on the premise I didn’t message them first.  WHY HAVEN’T YOU MESSAGED ME!?!?!  (Oh yeah, because I neglected you! (and weirdly, I know I feel awful for and from that too)).

So, if this chapter started as a message to myself and I’m meant to be positive to others AND myself, then I should, again, shift my mode and path of text.  Dare I, though, twist in an inversion and write about what I dislike or feel sad about from OTHER people’s behaviours and not my own?  (Who’s going to read this anyways?!?!)

I love it when people message me because they actually like me.  There are some few who actually message me that I don’t want to hear from.  Those two to three people I dislike messaging me all the time are not the majority of you.  There are MANY people I would love and adore to hear from, though those three or so other people have tainted you!!!   I know about friendly fire and how when I’m dealing with MBFers or other negative and mentally invasive behaviour I’ve gone Ruby and turned to anger.  Don’t let those rare few poison the well!!!

Jimmy… Bryan… Eldon… I’ve not messaged you at all in the past few weeks.  Why have not any of you messaged me first?  Do not be mad, sad, or claim neglect when you’ve not reached out to me at all either, please.

Felicia… I know I’ve messaged you way too much.  You’re a different opposite from those that I have seemingly forgotten and not messaged.  I’ve sent way too much contact in your direction and have not heeded you want me to not reach out.

Brian (K).  I am glad I am your friend.  I know we need not be in frequent contact to know that there is no animosity (as you had said a while ago) and the fact you asked me if I was okay with a rare Snapchat message also relays to me you do have concern for my wellbeing.  I accept, and am okay, that you don’t message.  I am still a friend of yours.

Steff?  Random, right!?  Divide by zero, it’s okay.  That makes sense now.  The idea that everyone has been told to leave me alone, the fact that (I think of) three main people I strongly wish I didn’t have to deal with being at me (when sometimes once a week is too much (and think of how I call my Mom and message my Dad too often (I also wish I could be in the same room as my parents because I realize the phone, internet, and text is an awful way to give them a real hug and squeeze decades of love and fear and sadness into them))).

The beautiful thing (from the chapter’s title that I remind ourselves (me, Rob, and my own present, and future self)) is that you know you love so much more than others can even like.  The fact that you know that love is the strongest guiding force that no one else believes you can even talk about (let alone feel and know in full force) I think is the key part.  Your love is so strong and so fierce, that you shield others from it (and scare away some others too) because they either; don’t believe it, have abused you to the point of animosity, or are scared that you will find out that they hate you (and be put in a situation that they don’t want).

I know that some of my ‘friends’ actually dislike me, lie to me, use me, and some also speak ill of me and wish me some very negative things, though conversely, some rare gems (like Bert) also remind you that there are people that deserve REAL love in ways that you know are far greater than other’s seem to understand.  You (Rob) know a lot of the lies and deceit, and your ultra-forgiving nature also is not seen clearly when you show or speak animosity for those that have dishonoured or disrespected you countless times.  Those few drops of poison have tainted the fountains of your soul which make the ones you do and wish to share clean waters of life with to sense those fragments of poison and avoid drinking.

I know that I am (to most) not vital, I know that to many I am an annoyance or seen as an insecure child who has no confidence (or in some cases decency), though I also don’t think enough people (yet) understand that I value goodness, truth, respect, integrity, and genuine love and kindness so strongly that I’m just really angry that I’ve allowed myself to ruin myself with animosity for not defending myself from abusers.

The people in the town I live don’t understand how corrupted I had been, and they also don’t understand how deep the currents of my own truth run.  There are decades (yes, and not just of her) that compound and fortify my own belief that there is not enough goodness in the world and that those who have ruined other people too have corrupted the very fabric of life from there being good, pure, clean, and honesty.  There are gems.  People just treat them like dirt.

I wrote about how I think my value and purpose is to share ethics and guidelines and truth.  I see this too for myself.  If I want someone to message me, then message them.  If I want someone to leave me alone, then tell them.  If you want me to message you, please, message me, though if you find that I’ve not told you to leave me alone and have taken the path of ignoring you, just like how I’ve been with Felicia, take the hint.  She does not want to speak with me.

I also have to take the hints of others that want to hear from me, though are afraid to message me first.  I need to heed others more clearly.  It’s not due to my own negative feelings towards you that I don’t message.  There are very few people that I dislike or have animosity towards.  There have probably been many people that have gotten caught in the friendly fire of my anger towards those very few others that have abused me.  I also hope that those who’ve wanted me to leave them alone, and that I have, also are forgiving for me going at them too often in the past.

Each person has different sides to themselves (in most cases).  I’m not clear on what other people’s relationships with others are often, though that’s a skill to learn through time.  It also takes the trust of people to share what they think and feel about other people, and at this point, I don’t even have many people that trust me enough to even have a conversation with me, let alone tell me what they think of me.

I think I wrote this in a blog post a few days ago: “Some know one sharp word can destroy a relationship. It seems few know how much effort goes into working to build one.”

Trust in the good people, you know who they are!

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