I am wanting to work and form more book work tonight, though not so much in a BDYM or Built from Within mood or mode. I still, though, know that the past five days have been extensive with the lessons and experiences. Since the Fountains books are my process (and almost, now, like my contialitic journal) I’ll form another chapter here.
The amounts of insight I’ve been given (through multiple sources) in the past few days have elevated not only my awareness, though also my belief in myself and my ability to live and demonstrate, share, and cultivate PLU8R. This is vital. The Fountains are all muddled as my process and all about me (which is NOT a marketable form of work), though, the other books and projects will amplify in value.
I’ve been re-editing Fragments of Intent and know that serious revisions must be made before mass consumption. I also have remembered to hold some key points of information and treasure them in my heart and soul. The depth of my own awareness is compounding, though I also know I need to make some crucial adjustments to my medication.
I am in the middle of a med change and will need to go back to the previous med combination. The dropping of one med, and the increase of another, have given me a sort of week or so of hyper drug awareness (like insight into life I used to have when I smoked drugs) though the level of intensity and ‘crazy’ is a bit high. I am okay to be dulled and more stable in my own being and body and to not wake up early (which is the reason I went into the med change) though I don’t meet with my psychiatrist until two days from now.
The ultra-trippy experiences and deepening of my heart, soul, ethics, and knowledge are fully worth the obscure and scary thoughts and energy that I’ve had these past few days. It’s not been easy, though I’m glad the lessons will carry forward and help solidify a positive effect for many more than a few in, and out, of my life.
I’ve been reminded that a kind Id and the giving up of pushing for sales and marketing and business ideas are what my heart wants, and that if I give myself to my work and creative process (and friends and family (and community)) I will still thrive, even maybe more so. My awareness that my books and information hold value is another thing I like and I also love that my intents and beliefs will strengthen the process of sharing valuable and vital ethical principles from my behaviours, communications, and actions.
My Mom has been amazing too!!! What she said on the phone two days ago surprised me. She had said that if my medication does prevent me from waking up in the mornings that it’s an idea to accept that I do work well at night and that I may have to accept that. My love and appreciation for her had increased a lot for her through the past few years and I’m glad to know that her understanding, acceptance, and love has developed much further too.
The past few days have also given me a stronger understanding of people being a higher value that I have in my heart that I had thought. My love for some has been reminded and reconnected with me in my mind and I’m sad and sorry that I’d been so focused on thinking of my own want of earning an income. I had focused so much on books for money and marketing that I neglected so many people (both by action and attention) by pushing to earn a living income.
As I wrote this, I also thought of how now I’m in book mode and alone again. I get too focused on work sometimes. I push myself forward in some of those moments, though, thinking that I need to do and produce something. Pushing is a good thing, sometimes, though I don’t want to puddle into my own books so much if it means that I isolate myself. Three is a delicate balance that I find of having time during the day to interact with people (and learn (and edit)) and then make something that will be helpful in the future. My sometimes self-focused nature is not (from my belief) healthy.
I also would like to know who will read my books and play my music. I would like to know my audience so that I can form (more for the books) a clarified idea or bundle of information that I know will improve another’s life (and those that they know). It’s a weird balance of wanting to create for the sake of value for any and all AND also knowing who will actually read what I’ve written. When I know who I’m writing for, then I can be more direct and helpful. I think of how I also want to know (and don’t yet know) what the effects of my work will be. I just must make sure I do good things and the right things to make sure there is a greater chance good things will happen.
Anyhow… I could report in this book some of what’s been happening, though I don’t know what the benefit of that would be for anyone. I know it’s not what happens to me, it’s what I learn and do with such (and then sharing it through the correct channels and people) that will result in some pretty amazing things. Link to Lady Luck and the pluck that we dissect to connect the Id to yang to slang the dialect and inspect a direction to shift each rift and bring a certain gift to make sure the curtains don’t close on the flows for the crows that remind the find of who (and what) are real true and kind and not another trying to have a death warrant signed.
The threads of the meds line the beds that shall not be shat as that situation will find a variation of text put into how we both shall thrive and remain alive at the end of time and decades later still able to share the rhymes that hold the fold and find the bold mould of how the cold shall approach and also coach the roaches rolled up in paper to ensure the capers that we find are only the ones in the salad that a thalid must proliferate at the gate of how I still know not who my mate will be, and that I want to sleep with a gal and not to give or share my D. The ironic part of a true heart is that they’re not trying to part the legs, and that the kegs are actually rad as I’m glad that I learn to evolve life to also let ME be a Dad.
I do remember that some mega-vital names were mentioned in the first Fountain that were not Natalie. I took Finding Natalie offline this past week and know that even if that book is part of Fragments of Intent, it’s not a standalone work that I deem worthy of someone buying. My other reminder this past few days was a bio I wrote for NoiseTrade. I recalled some of the influences I had musically and remember too that there are many many artists that are amazing, ones that I admire, and that have shaped me so much more than I can yet fathom. I love music explicitly, and have neglected remembering some of my own musical and lyrical roots.
With my rhymes, I’ve bitten so many tracks and artists and beats as I love what I hear from most of them and then add my own lyrics because of how I like them. My lyrical terms and abilities are sources strongly from playing other people’s music and then attaching my thoughts and words to the sounds of the music I play. There are quite a few crucial artists that I’ve not played or heard recently, and I also was reminded of the vast variance between music I’ve played genre-wise. I love music, though sometimes I’m afraid of it. I’m not hardcore, part of a crew, or streetwise, so Rap trips me out a bit, though lyrical nodal-smiths are loved and valued. They’ve helped ME with so much of my development!! (Add the cast and crews of the MK Code!!)
“It’s kind of dangerous to be an MC” – Mos Def and Talib Kweli’s track Definition.
I had so daftly forgotten the monumental works that others made as I recall how the calls of the track will speak the truth of Chilliwack and how some will not lack the plates and food. To exude the fact that I also must refract the light into who shares the sight through the view of how I also was many who threw the meld of that held in the weld up to how the swelled up the belly and found him to be set and solid with Slim, yet I don’t know if Wayne’s a Dad, yet still remember that a tad of her denial will add the dimension to her smile. The freestyles of some will remind me I’m not an MC, yet that is an extreme part of heart when I come from.
I also have forgotten some of my best friends in the past and have not spoken of them to current friends. With From the Valley to the Fountain I initially had the idea to write each section to different friends (and some girlfriends) with each part. For male friends in the past, I think of Dave Clark, Peter Feldstein, Brent Ross, Chris Plemel, Chris Seltenrich, Jason Yamashita (though we weren’t super close), and I know that I still neglect other pre-Vancouver. A certain Ryan in Vancouver also was an amazingly dear friend and I think too of some really messed up trips with Waldo and how he tried to force all sorts of really messed up parts of myself out of my being. The Vancouver people (both friends and others) were the ones who were part of the process of my full self-corruption. I was not glad with how I was when I landed in the ward. I had caused so much damage and still cannot know how to make reparations.
My memory of how I felt during drug life (three sections of time) were what I’ve been reminded of quite strongly in the past four to five days. I feel, now, sadness that I made so many mistakes and think too of how I neglected to mention Pat and John and how vital they were to me. I was so terribly uncertain of their intents and still am terrified they conscribed to the plot to kill me, while conversely shamed by thinking they would when they also were some of the actual friends I have in the past that did love and support me more than I knew. The most important part of my situation in Vancouver is that a lot was hidden and kept secret from me.
I didn’t know who was friend or not. I thought people of the plan were in the plot. There were some that were revealed as ones that kept me alive, yet I also fear the consequences of people being friend or for my life by those that did want me to die. I feel awful. I could not know of my most valuable friends and allies if they were or were not friend due to my own lack of truth (and my own paranoias). Even now-a-days, I still think there are deceits and plots and plans, and I know there is focus on me. The meds just help keep my heart and mind nulled from the fears and uncertainty.
Maybe going back on my meds will prevent me from knowing truth in some ways. I am a person who believes that many things should be kept secret for other people’s protection, though, Rob, quit making it all about you.
I will learn love, and live to thrive, while creating as a way to play and pray. Evolution of Introversial prerogative.
Since I cannot go back in time and know for every person that was in Vancouver’s plot and plan, for those that read this, please forgive me. For those that were friend and for keeping me alive (even if I didn’t know you) I thank you with a wish your lives may be everything you wish for. For those that were wanting me to die, I’m sorry for invading your city and dropping so much drama, so many corrupted thoughts, and for causing such discord and division between you and your liked or loved friends that wanted to keep me alive. I don’t know what I can do to fix or what reparations to make since I was too scared to actually kill myself.
For those in Chilliwack. Thank you for your grace, your guidance, your love, and also for your forgiveness and protection. You have allowed me to live. I still don’t know what I may do for you. I repent for my promises of what I will do with my creative works. Not so much for what I said I will do, for I shall. Though my apology is for not earning money for the Seed Fund with my creative work yet. I will fuel as much as I promised (30% of all online sales) though I know I cannot afford my own life on my own right now. I have not had a job or been working a trade like many of you have had to, and I commit to working for life here.
Specifically for the friends in Chilliwack. I still am learning. I will protect your secrets as best as I can, though the lessons of life that you teach me (that will benefit others on Earth) I will find ways of channeling them into the book work with respect and honour. I thank you for your grace, blessings, kindness, and support (the love and happiness are a severely gladdening emotional support!)
For the fact of how our process is developing, I still will dream huge irrational goals for the future. I may not make as many grand proclamations as I have in the books up to now, though I will maintain my commitments. I am committed to the process, cultivation, and protection of life, and though I may be a pussy afraid to fight (even verbally with my next girlfriend!) I will make sure that I work for many more than a few. I am glad that I live here in this town. Yesterday was Canada Day, and I remember that, like Vancouver, I was not born in this town. Vancouver did not choose me to be in their community, and neither had you invited me here. Both communities have allowed me to live, and for that I am eternally grateful!!!
I paused between paragraphs for a Facebook break. Very weird and strange thing I just experienced. The feeling of amazing happiness, gladness, and love for seeing some of the posts (and interacting with BK in the comments of one of his posts) for 15 minutes. It’s weird that Social Media just filled my connection wants, likes, and needs. To need to connect with people and to (maybe for the first time other than direct messaging) leaving the site with happiness and amazing feelings of knowing I love quite a few people (and that Facebook allows me to remind them (and me) that I do!)
I close here… Be warned. Massive amounts of love, goodness, and life is approaching. Thank you Florencia for your seeds too (they carry deep into my soul with gladness!!!) I am glad to be reminded that when we shift our attitudes, attention, and energy towards the things we like, love, and are good for us, that we can (even if I do so nervously) edge towards a future that is exponentially greater than we could have believed or imagined.
Open your being to love. It’s terrifying. I want to go back on my meds because I’m afraid of that I’ve learned and experienced in the past five days. Maybe I’m afraid I’ll lose control. I need to put more faith in myself (and the world) and think I too need to remember to pray to ground and keep my truth held safely. From Elizabeth Lesser’s book Broken Open I know that prayer, meditation, and psychoanalysis will encourage our growth. I also know I’m terrified of my Phoenix process, though glad it’s into the skies of PLU8R while staying a Taurean Earth Horse that values a multitude of futures and pasts yet to unfold.